Monday, October 28, 2013

30ish Things That Are On My Mind.

1. I will tell you the truth about myself if I think you deserve it.

2. DON'T lie to me and let me find out.

3. I respect everyone until they do not respect me.

4. I trust NO ONE until they give me a reason to.

5. You will NEVER know everything about me.

6. Don't expect me to openly tell you things, you have to ask.

7. I'm thinking it for a reason.

8. Motivation is the only reason I'm still in school.

9. I want to have that car everyone stops and looks at, hence the motivation.

10. Art is my passion.

11. I write because I can't express my feelings otherwise.

12. I hate people who are pessimistic little bitches.

13. I still complain.

14. I use the word I too much.

15. Other people's happiness is what I live for.

16. I miss my Mother 24/7 if you can't deal with it get out of my life. Now.

17. I think I'm a bitch. Which in truth, I am to some.

18. I couldn't care less about what you think, other than my car.

19. I use clothing and shoes as my release for all the frustrations of life.

20. I believe in God.

21. I struggle with the idea of forever.

22. Fake people, need I say more.

23. I love Saint George, but have issues with memories here.

24. Music changes my mood easily.

25. I make choices that are stupid.

26. If you don't let me do what I want i.e. choices, you won't be in my life for long.

27. You cannot force me to do anything, even if you think you did.

28. I can be influenced.

29. Xbox helps.

30. I'm a happy person, despite the looks of this list.

31. I wish I trusted easier.

32. I like to believe I read people easily.

33. People I care about see my emotions, unedited.

Sunday, October 20, 2013


Sometimes I need to be alone, and today is that sometimes.

I have these terrible feelings today. All I want is to talk to my best friend, because I don't know what I am supposed to do. I want to become a pharmacist. I don't believe I can though. It sounds stupid but I don't know if I have enough personal drive or even confidence..

Sometimes I post these things hoping that no one will read and this time I hope no one does because I don't like feeling vulnerable.  This makes me feel vulnerable. This whole blog does. Thats why I write it. I want to get over the problems I have with myself which include not being able to say things about my feelings to anyone.

I don't know how to feel good about the decisions I make anymore. I really just think that there is a better decision and I have this thing where I can't make a decision because of that feeling that there is something better that I could choose but just don't see at the time. I'm happy in the moment but when I look at my past experiences I just worry I missed something. I hate this worry that I always have it's non stop and sometimes it controls my every action.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm broken and I hate that. I get so frustrated about it. Its like a never ending cycle because then it makes me mad because I'm frustrated and I am trying so hard to control my emotions better since my mom died and this is making it so much harder.

I just want to forget everything sometimes.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Botan and Dew.

I've never met people like the people in my life now. You know how people remind you of old friends or other acquaintances, well these people, they are, for lack of better words, the cream of the crop and I don't think there is anyone more genuine out there than them. The funny thing is that they have been hiding right under my nose for a long while. I know for sure that things happen for a reason, and there was a reason I met everyone when I did.

I'm seriously happier than I've been since before June 13, 2010. I knew then that my life wasn't right, but I had no idea the changes I myself had to make, were so small compared to feelings I had for the people that had to leave.

It's crazy how things can take a long time to change, but when they actually change, it's quicker than a blink of an eye.

I used to play Xbox because it was always better than real life. I still play but not for that reason anymore. My homework has gotten the better of me lately so I don't play often but I still love it. It is kinda weird how it has changed, I used to rely on it to make me happy and those people on Xbox got that. As of late, I just think that it was never helpful because I wasn't actually growing from it, just digging a deeper hole to hide my emotions in. I was starting to notice because I had ginormous mood swings that were progressively getting worse. Not to say that those people made it worse, they were always helpful. There are of course other factors that went into that but it was a big part of why it wasn't getting better ever.

I just think that "Things have change for me, and that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way."

In other news ADTR came out with their new album last night, it's amazing. The kiln was fired yesterday and I'm excited to see my bowl for TS and tea pot that were in there. My pup is sicker than sick, and I'm really worried about him. He's actually acting sick which is why it scares me. It's that best friends connection that makes me notice and that's exactly what he is.

Even if I have no idea what I really want to do in life I have 2 years to figure out my future off of this general direction of accounting. DEA is still my #1 I am going to start taking steps for that sooner than later and I am excited for what's to come concerning that and other life decisions. The most comforting thing about this is the feeling of security and encouragement I have now.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I cannot wait for fall break the 10th and 11th. I have so much homework that I am expecting that tomorrow I will be doing it for at least 6 hours, considering I have not done homework in about 5 days also..I know I'm bad.

I am actually doing homework as I type this, in a different class than the homework is for..

I had such a good weekend with great people. Sometimes I forget that there are some really amazing people in this world that care a lot more than the average person, about people they barely know. I got some good advice and would like to give it to you in a round about way, don't settle for anyone, ever. Even if you think that person is eh good enough, good enough is not GOOD enough. You want better than you ever thought, at least that's how I think. That's how I took the conversation, there are people I care about that I know settled and in truth I wish I could smack them in the face and wake their asses up to tell them to get out of that. I mean hell that's what they have done to me and it helped me, I just can't get into other people's business like that, I wish sometimes.

Anyway my big point is find someone that makes you smile uncontrollably. That sings music for you to dance to when there is none. Someone who will make a fool of themselves with you. That is where you will find true happiness.

I seriously need to hash this out today. The last couple weeks have sucked in the department of knowing what I want to do. One day I want to be a DEA agent the next I wanna be a potter, then the next a pharmacist...can I just be them all at the same time?! The only thing I know for sure is that I am going to minor in math a keep my major as accounting..I will finish that no matter what I love accounting..then maybe pre reqs for pharmacy if I still haven't decided after 2 years.. maybe I'll just go to school forever. I totally wish I could do my homework as well as I write in this blog..I can get through any distraction on this thing.

I also wish I wasn't so spastic lately with homework and what not.

Saturday, September 21, 2013


Okay seriously I've never met someone in my life that can be so completely and utterly unhappy with any choice I make.

IE my father, if you've read before I want to go into the DEA. My dad is so unsupportive of this and you know, I'm like hell I'm not sitting at a desk for the rest of my life. Hopefully, I mean I want to make a difference in someone's life, maybe save some people's lives, and if that means sitting at a desk I'll do it, but I don't want to do taxes for the rest of my life. Well a requirement of becoming a DEA agent is to be in some type of law enforcement before applying and of course that could scare him, but at least say something instead of one word every time I talk about it. 

So this whole thing that started this is that Dixie is trying to get the MAcc from U of U but there are fields that they are focused in and of course Dixie wants the Tax field, which I naturally want to go into the auditing side, easier to track fabricated funds with that background. I told him about this and he said that's great...well it's not great I want auditing. Then thinking to myself maybe I don't I'm assuming that that emphasis would be good so maybe I should talk to a DEA agent and I tell my dad this is reply is great......

But you know, like always music and ceramics fix everything, well almost everything..


It's so frustrating because I know other people approve of this but I just wish my dad made more of an effort to be happy or fake it.

Monday, September 16, 2013


Yesterday was shit just so everyone knows. (:

Well I don't know why but sometimes I just want my momma and I'll sit at the cemetery unhappy for a good while.

Sometimes I'll play the blame game and sometimes I'll cry for hours about all the times I missed out on. Then sometimes I'm better than ever before. None of this is great though, I really think people believe my smiles 90% of the time. There are some that still see through them. But I keep telling myself they don't and they still let me act.

I miss being able to call my bestie up and bugging him for hours about nothing I actually need to say it always calms my nerves but you know, knowing hes out in OK doing what he was meant to do is an awesome thought and I wouldn't want it any other way for him!

I feel like I'm always super confused about everything right now in my life and truthfully I'm pretty okay with it. I know two things forsure. Ceramics is my muse and I have some of the best people in my life some are part time and that's okay but those people that are there at 4 in the morning are the ones I know will be there forever.

I know I've said it a million times but seriously the relationships I make no matter how small mean something huge to me.

I know I talk about all the regrets that I have and you know the only thing I need to remind myself that if I would have changed something I wouldn't be who I am today, is my favorite song Rite of Spring by Angels and Airwaves. I wrote this top part earlier today, and later today I was listening to my iPod and that song came on and it reminded me, no matter how badly I wish I could have spent more time with my momma, I wouldn't be who I am today if the story was changed even slightly.

And you know what. I really do like who I am becoming and I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable to say that if you don't like it, I truly do not give a shit. I know who I want to still become and it's my goal to get there.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Oh Yes.

So I'm 21. My birthday was the 5th. It was pretty awesome truthfully I got to throw pots from 12 till about 7. I loved it but at the same time all day was still really weird. It didn't hit me until Friday night (the 6th) why there was something wrong all day that I couldn't figure out. I just miss my mom being around. She was so much more thoughtful than my dad. Not to say it's his fault he's a guy and he doesn't really get being thoughtful, I know terrible stereotype, but he didn't even get me a damn card haha and sometimes a girl just needs her Momma.

You know I don't exactly tell people much about me other than in this blog, but I am trying to..

You probably also know I don't give out many compliments but I want to today. I just want to say that Sherri and Karen are two women in my life that have become like my mother. I love them both so much and they are amazing people. I miss seeing them more often and I hope to change that. Things in my life have taught me that if you have family that you love, you tell them and you try to make the greatest memories you can before the opportunities are gone to do so.

Lately I've also really missed my Grandpa, I just haven't seen him in a long time. Over these years after he moved out here I have really become a Grandpa's girl. I love him to death, he is one hell of a Grandpa too (:

So I got a snapchat a few weeks ago and seriously sometimes it can be the stupidest thing and sometimes it can just be hilarious.

This is quickly turning into a mush of the my thoughts..

So something I just think is really kinda funny since I've turned 21 my dad as been on the prowl. Seriously, I think he is freaking out...I mean I really don't know why he thinks I'm going to turn into a wild child now after 21 years of anti everything. I mean I am a lot more lax now than a was 3 years ago, and I'm happy with that. But he as been trying to watch me like a hawk..the other night, Sunday I was out at 12:30 and he called telling me I was making bad decisions. I seriously tired not to laugh because a year ago if I was out at that time he would have just went to bed and been okay with it. When I got home he also said it was unacceptable, which was even more funny to me because in high school I was out at 3 am and he didn't give a crap. Anyways it's amusing to me that he has changed all of the sudden.

Oh so the week before my birthday I got tonsillitis and missed 2 and 1/2 days of school, yeah I'm still screwed over from that. I wish the semester could start over because I am dying from this over load of catch up and regular homework, sucks. I really like my classes though, other than ethics. I think I'll have to audit Ceramics but I'm totally okay with that as long as I get to be in there throwing is all I care. Next semester I'm so not taking 18 credits. I haven't even started the 18th credit, starts on Thursday, outdoor cooking I'm actually excited about that. I know I have awesome grammar.

This weather though, can I have this all the time. I'm moving to Washington just so I can be happy all the time because of weather. Although I do have a love hate relationship with the cold part of weather..

Anyway, overall I'm super happy lately and it's an amazing feeling (:


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Nothing Good.

Sometimes I just feel empty inside and I don't know how to fix that. It really sucks. I just want to sleep but I can't I've grown up too much to do that. That's the part that sucks the most. It's like I'm heartbroken over no one and I really am I don't miss anyone from my past still living. Xbox doesn't even touch these feelings. I'm pretty positive I've explained why I play Xbox before but if not, it's one of the only places I can go to when episodes like this that are lesser happen.

It's worse than depression its like mania but with out some of the worst thoughts.

Someone once told me to get over it and you know what that person is the most fucked up person I've met in my entire life. Because of him I never figured out how to deal with my real problems and hurt, and its gonna change but not tonight. Tomorrow maybe. I just wish I could call my best friend and talk a normal conversation about how I miss my family and how my grandma is, in reality, slowly giving up in front of my own eyes.

I have always hated that I can read people because I knew when the doctor said my mom was on life support and when my grandma called two times now to tell me that I lost another one of my heros.

I don't know how to explain all of it all the time but I try.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I Dare You

If you lie to me, you are dead to me.
Don't expect me to forgive you either.

Sometimes it really gets to me, seriously, lie straight to my face..good idea it's not like I don't know. I don't see why anyone thinks it is beneficial to me or anyone around.

This way I have been living lately is if I have a problem I solve it myself. I don't blame it on someone else and I have tried not to complain about it. I may not be happy while trying to fix the problem, but I've been trying to keep my mouth shut about it.

I just think that if people really want to be happy they will fix their own problems, or do their best to do so. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have help, but to complain so much as to have someone do it for you is not right.

Anyway I just wanna say think about what you do before you do it and what you say before you say it.

Saturday, July 27, 2013


I have so many thoughts I don't even know where to start. I finished the summer semester of college!

I know why I am so adamant about being an is going to get me to the bigger picture I want to make. Which is becoming a DEA agent. I am dead serious too it will happen. It will probably take me a few years after I get my masters but that's okay its gonna happen.

I realized something in life there are people who act like they like you and people who act like they don't. I've figured out a few of them but most I still think don't like me and you know I don't really care if they like me or not, except when they convince me they are a friend and really aren't..

I just know that this is what is supposed to happen. I know I was supposed to be where I am now and I'm happy. I actually mean it when I smile now too. It feels good. The nicest part is I am doing this alone. Not alone in a bad way but with out a guy. I'm happy about it.

I know I still have lots of issues though. It doesn't mean I can't be happy (: like this patience thing lately I'm getting worse seriously. I have no patience and its because of the people I talk to the most I blame them! Haha..I love my friends anyway they are the best. They have turned me in to an xbox addict and I'm okay with that.

I got letters this week and they are the best my two best friends Meg and Grant I love reading their letters they always cheer me up whenever the day has been long. I miss them both way too much. I need a monopoly game and all night talks maybe a Lord of the Rings marathon. For now I'll have to figure it out its gonna be a long 2 years without those two.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Don't Matter.

Sometimes I think it's a good idea to read through some of my old blog posts..yeah right.

Okay this week is the longest week ever. Also I've still only gotten 11 hours of sleep in the last 3 nights. but this isn't meant to be a whining post.

One of my best friends left for his mission a week ago and seriously,  I maybe hung out with him once in the last 3 months but I'm already like, oh you borrowed my video game, now I want to play that game, only that games a real person, I can't just call him now! Dang I know he is going to be an awesome missionary though. I don't know where he got it from but he can talk to anyone and the vibes are never bad and I really think this is why he is speaking another language in the states still. Anyway I'm proud of him and love him he's one of the greatest friends a person can have! Good luck Elder Bess!

So this post as been over a couple of days and I have to say it's been a long couple of days. I work 40 hours this week along with my classes and I'm tired, just ten more tomorrow. I am dog sitting my aunt and uncles dogs, they are so great! And I get to stay up in central which is so nice! Except my phone isn't working to well. I just called/missed calls from my uncle 4 times because of the service haha. I could seriously live up here though the weather is awesome its like 77 degrees up here right now at 9:30pm.

I'm addicted to Xbox, if anyone couldn't tell haha. I have been dying to play all day, but I'm dedicating Sunday as box day if you need me I'll be in my room engrossed in Battlefield, also if you want to join that's cool too haha.

On my thoughts of today, the meaningful snippets I seem to always have, they say evil comes disguised. This is an interesting thought to me because when I look back what I believe to be evil, it is always disguised as good for a long time until sometimes, it's too late and I've messed up. But seriously, I think that if I even had a slight idea what my life would be right now 4 years ago I would have changed one thing, hang out with my mother more. Every day, without exception I think to myself I could have talked to my mom more often or just sat with her more often. I think this will be the thing that always hurts me. I could have done so much more and had so many more fun and good memories, that's what I really miss. I remember at her funeral my cousin who spoke told a story about how my niece was playing with bubbles and somehow got them in her mouth and started to blow them out with her mouth instead of the wand and my mom couldn't stop laughing I remember how great it was. I really wish I had more of those moments.

Don't take for granted those little things, they will be all that you have.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Xbox and College Life

oh well, as;ldfkjasd swear words I had a post basically done, and I decided I wanted the date to be today....well suck, it didn't save. Here we go again.

They said, "You don't need sleep," I said, "Alright," Well I do need sleep, so I hate you at the moment. All of you. haha no just kidding just some of you. I'm freaking grumpy..I love Starbucks.

This was my story to sleep last night. At about 11 I decided to play Battlefield 3 with friends, well at 1 we decided to get our own server and only play with 4 people, 750 tickets, which took about an hour and a half..on Operation Metro, hoping to get players to join, well that map has a 2 jets, I love jets, and is easy to spawn trap people. For those reading whom have no idea what I'm talking about, this map gets really old fast, spawn trapping is when they come to where you respawn after dying and kill you over and over. Anyway one of my friends was killing me a lot, I pretty much was raging at him until I switched guns which was really funny. I started to kick butt, don't worry the whole time I'm overly dramatic when I'm getting shot at by yelling run away or come on buddy you can make it to my little dude on the screen, yeah I'm that type of gamer.

Oh funny story, so xbox live was all messed up last night and one of my friends sent another a message, and on his xbox the message said, "are you getting any," which was the weirdest question, but I just thought it was hilarious. In truth he asked "are you getting any of my messages," which on it actually said that. I just thought this was so funny though I could not stop laughing.

okay so after we got done with that game it as about 2:30 so I sat on xbox searching through my games to find a new one to fall asleep to, and one of my friends said "You can't fall asleep in the party," so in spite of that I didn't although I don't think I would have slept no matter what, I eventually decided to watch Thor, oh man is he sexy, but I watched this whole movie, then got off xbox, but don't worry I still couldn't fall asleep (I watch movies to fall asleep normally). I probably finally fell asleep at 5ish. So kill me now.

I truly don't know what I would do without my xbox, ha probably actually hang out with people in real life, huh never think of that one. Although people lately, I just hate them, I think this comes from working in a pharmacy, people are so grumpy and mean, some of them just want to argue they are so annoying and rude. The worst part is I have to be nice to them no matter what, well almost no matter what, I have never gotten so mad that I was rude but if I am close I always ask them if they would like to talk to my pharmacist, which makes them more angry, it's amusing.

Two more weeks, two. Summer school is almost over people. I am so excited. I am going to become the laziest person ever for the 4 weeks before school starts again. This summer semester has been the toughest semester I have taken. Usually I love summer semesters but seriously this one has been like 3 hours of homework every night I have class.

Oh I switched rooms over the weekend with my sisters old room. Man that was a difficult task, since I did 90% of it alone. Though I think if I did it again it would be alone. I really like the new set up, I finally have my man manikin out, that Z Grant gave me back in high school, scared the living daylights out of my mother. Whole nother story. It's funny there is like a little corner of Grant given items, which includes my signed drum head from PATD one of my most prized possessions, and his wonderful awkward postcard, that this is freaking weird but all of it seems to go together, which is pretty funny. I bet if someone walked into my room the only thing that would make them think it is a girls room is my makeup palette. I like it this way though. It's all a good change, oh the reason I changed rooms is because my A/C doesn't work good in my old room, and I wanted to paint it purple and my father didn't like the idea but will let me in the other room which makes no sense but oh well.

So basically I'm a happy camper that is tired as all get out. Hope you had fun reading my giggles.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Love & Loss

And if young love is just a game, then I must have missed the kick off.

I feel like, how I do most days. Happy to be alive. You know how you don't talk to one of your old best friends as often as you like, well I am feeling that today. It's insane how life changes so quickly. It sucks to be that person in a friend group that is not wanting to be married, or getting married.

Sometimes I think dang I wish I was in a relationship, and then I again hit myself in the head and think why should I force something that can change my entire life forever?! I think that it's young love and it's not a bad thing but I also don't believe it's very healthy for me. I remember believing that nothing could change the way I feel and you know what something did, my own reality of the situation made me realize, on a couple situations, what the hell was I thinking the whole time, even my family and friends were openly against those idiots. Now it's sort of comical.

Not to brag about myself, but every now and then I give myself a high five for having my shit together. I'm 20 with my AS in Business with a little over 3 semesters left for my BS in Accounting. Going to go to UNLV for my masters. Never done a drug in my life, that one forsure I salute myself there were many a time when I was tempted and could have done something but never have, and my intention is to keep it that way, especially those illegal ones.

This blog I started, before my whole world changed, was as far as I can remember going to be secret. Over the last year or so I realized that if it is really just a secret then no one will ever begin to realize how I think and feel about life.

Song lyrics, this subject has been visited over and over with me. I can't even wrap my head around the life changing moments I've had because of immature Blink songs. Sometimes they just click, like this ADTR song, I had probably heard it a million times before one day in the car about 7 months ago it hit me.
I’m a mess
That's the best way to describe it
Having no time to myself is the only way I can fight it
When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror
Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer

I miss your family and I miss all our friends
If you had it to do over would you do it over again,
Cause I would, this meant something more to me
There's a hole in my heart where you used to be

I still wish you the best of luck, baby
And don't go thinking that this was a waste of time
I couldn't forget you if I tried

This just basically said to me no hard feelings, there's no reason for it, and also here's my bitch slap I wish you knew I'm not hurt anymore. I know I've posted this before. 

Or of course one of my favorites;

If I had a chance for another try 
I wouldn't change a thing

Sometimes it's like whoa what happened there that was good timing for that song. Anyway this just went into a random thought collaborating a few of my posts into one.
Anyhow, hopefully one day I can say that I've got my Masters in Accounting working for some firm and living in NY or maybe little old StG. Who knows what's to come with my job opportunities that will arise from being a CPA.

Monday, June 24, 2013

This Is Me.

There are a few things that people obviously don't get about me.

First off I will piss you off to no end if you don't understand that if I'm giving you a hard time, 90% of the time I really am just kidding, or being extremely blunt, but I am never intentionally insulting people.

Second, if you have never done anything to hurt me in any way I have no reason to dislike you therefore I don't hate you, in truth I probably think of you as a good friend/acquaintance. I think that I got that reputation in high school because I hated drugs so openly, truthfully one of the people I regarded as one of my best friends was a druggie and I would have done anything for the guy. I truly believed that he was one of the most genuine people I had ever met when he wasn't on drugs, and I still believe that.

Thirdly, if you don't like me, or have a problem with something I've said to you, tell me to my face, I have enough respect to tell you if it irks me enough, can't you have to same amount of respect and decency to do the same? When people talk behind my back, which I know happens quite often, I loose a lot of respect for them, because seriously, have the gonads to say it to my face, truthfully I probably have no idea that whatever I am doing is bugging you and I would try to stop doing that around you or change if it's something I need to work on.

Last but not least, living in Mormon town St. George, those people who have known me long enough, obviously don't understand, I have my own way of "shouting the truth" I believe the Mormon church is the church I will always claim to be apart of, but at the moment I am finding myself, and in Utah I really dislike going to the church. Side note, when my family was in New York, now it was over 6 years ago, we went to a Mormon church on Sunday to catch a friend and hopefully plan to meet up later, we were in our normal street clothes, no one looked at us like we were terrible people, no one stared, we weren't considered out of place to them. I wish that was how it is here. Many will take this as an insult but I am going to say it anyway so bare with me, I think that some people are judgmental and stuck up. When I have gone to church people always say "oh I'm so glad to see you here," and "I really hope to see you more often," like I have been doomed to hell until I start going regularly and go to all the activities, it's not like they never see me outside of church either. But seriously to end this rant take a second, a real good second and look at the way you judge me, how when you see me wearing a "immodest" shirt or dress, you won't even say hi because it seems that those people think I'm going to rub off on them like some disease, which in turn makes me even more inclined to avoid seeing those people in church. It's like, how would you feel if you walked into a room of people you knew and no one said hi because they didn't approve of the way you did our hair or the shoes you were wearing, stupid worldly stuff that they teach every day in church not to judge people by..

well this is the end of my rant thanks for reading you may have laughed you may have gotten a little disgruntled, these are my feelings about the subject and I would love to chit chat more about it if you feel the need to understand more of why I have some of these feeling so feel free my friends. I mean no offence to anyone in particular so please do not take any.

This is exactly how I think,

Open your eyes, look within.
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?
- Bob Marley

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I See the Answer on the Horizon.

Sometimes I just think to myself, you are going in the right direction, and sometimes I think..what is going on?! Today is one of those days when I know what I am headed towards is what I really want.

Well I started this post about a week ago now..and I keep thinking to myself do I really want to be an accountant...well DUH! I love it truthfully.

I am totally convinced that I will never get married as long as I live in Saint George, because, no offense, guys that live here are either assholes or super judgmental, and think I'm some crazy jack Mormon because I don't actually go to church..that doesn't mean I don't believe. No need to start that rant though...

that basically explains what I am thinking about my life at the moment and that in the end I will end up in either Nevada, New York or somewhere by the Great Lakes for my job. I really think that is how it will be. I may be completely wrong but I keep thinking about where I will be in five years and it includes visits to Saint George, but not living here. There are too many bad memories and tastes left over from here. Like how I will never enter Dixie Regional again unless I am forcibly taken there, and how every place I go reminds me of my childhood and watching all my favorite bands play over and over at the electric theater..with all those people I haven't spoken to in years. The changes in my life have all been because of one thing or another that's bad in Saint George.

Moving far away is not an option for now. My Grandpa John and Grandma Donna are not in the greatest health and I want to spend all the time I can with them because I missed so much of it when I was in the teenager stages of my life. I am going to make it so I can't hate myself when anyone in my family leaves this life anymore. Seriously, I spend so many nights thinking why didn't I go to the movies when my mom asked or go on a drive...I did when I was younger, but not when it really mattered, not when I could have learned the most from my wonderful mother.

All that I am,
or hope to be,
I owe to my angel mother.
-Abe Lincoln

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I Don't Care

Supposedly I'm not a kid. Which also supposedly means I can't like aquariums..I'm like really? Don't tell me how to live my life! (: I just have to say if being a kid means liking aquariums, zoos and talking to animals like they understand then I'll be a kid for my whole life.

On Saturday I'm going to a Yankee game I'm super excited. I'm also going to an aquarium and the beach happy day. Pictures to come next week.

I really don't like this summer semester at all. Accounting 3010 is a freaking waste of time its such busy work and reading. Finance 3150 isn't terrible but accounting is making me hate summer classes now and I have always loved them..maybe because they were ceramics and an easy general..I have been a little spoiled with my choice of summer classes.

Well this is sort of just an update, next week I'll post a bunch of cute pictures of my niece and the Yankees with my father.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Friend. Play.

Sometimes I really miss having a close friend that lives in saint george. I don't think I realized how nice it was until lately. The crazy part of this whole thought string is that there are people that live across the country that I've never met that I'm more open with and them with me than some of the people I hang out with. I guess that's part of the mentality that they can't hurt me  too badly if I don't actually know them but still its been a reoccurring thought of mine for the past few days..

Monday, May 20, 2013

Don't Wake Me I Plan On Sleeping In

Some nights I know I'm going to have nightmares.  Truthfully most people would consider them wonderful dreams of happiness that I've enjoyed in my life, but I don't. Nights like tonight I would rather not sleep and be tired tomorrow.  I can't even begin to explain the hurt that comes through these dreams. There is only one person I've ever known who has worse dreams the dreams that make you throw up when you wake up and realize you just relived the worst day of your life.

I don't know how else to explain what I've lived through over and over through my sleep. Sometimes it's happy memories and when I wake up I realize it was just a dream and sometimes its that morning when my sister woke me up the nightmare that was real.

No one understands why when they say your dad is awesome I just say yeah sure don't get me wrong without him I would be lost but that night I was told to go home I will never forgive him for that. That night all I wanted was to stay at the hospital. I knew I would never be able to talk to my mom again after they told the family she was on a respirator I think I might have been the only one who really knew that night. I remember exactly what I was doing exactly who I was talking to when my grandma called me that night. The thing that torments me the most is I can't remember if I told her I loved her when I left earlier that night. I don't care what anyone says about how she's in heaven and knows I love her. That is how I know when people really don't understand me. If I love someone they will know and if they don't and I lose them I will never forgive myself for letting that happen I know she knew I loved her. But really how much I cared, I never began to really appreciate her.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


When I was in high school and had lots of time on my hands I wrote lots of poetry. For some reason it seems like I knew what was going to happen because I always wrote about the feeling of being alone.

I realized the reason I really want to walk tomorrow at graduation is because the second worst day of my life was my high school graduation. All my mom wanted through out her knee surgery was to go to my graduation. The doctor had even said she could leave for it and be readmitted after, if we promised to bring her back and two days before she lost her fight, two years ago at the end of this May the longest years of my life. I've come to rather be alone than with other people because sometimes it just hurts to put an effort into my relations. I love my life and friends and family. I've also come to cherish my time with my family a lot more than I ever did before.

Something stupid though, inherently stupid, I have panic attacks if my family doesn't answer my phone call. It probably seems completely pathetic if you have never lost someone really close to you. But anyway this is my story for the day it's been on my mind lately.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


So this last month has been to say the least crazy. I have had such a great time at work lately that those certain people I really really really dislike mean nothing. Although it is fun to joke about them because they have no idea...

I've noticed I've become a different person since the new year. I'm not as nice to people to their face and its not that I'm super mean but I just tell what I see and usually it's because they are being stupid. People are noticing. I don't know if its a good thing but its a factual statement.

I graduate with my associates in three weeks, May 3rd.. YES! I have worked so hard for this and I'm walking! Two of my great friends are getting married in May and I'm so excited for them! Brianna and Brooke are awesome people and I know they will be happy for many years to come!

Student sale starting on Tuesday! A Day To Remember on Tuesday Final Part Duce due on Tuesday, Final on Wednesday, Last wet clay day on Thursday. Can you say crazy? Oh and 25 hours of work.

This is just a glimpse okay. But seriously I have never been more excited in my life to start the classes I really care about and to get going in Accounting. Everything is falling into place and now all I need is the time to do all of it and fit in some xbox time also.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Life's More Meaningful

A little death makes life more meaningful.

Today I was listening to a song by +44 and I heard these lyrics and just thought to myself wow it's true. It's terrible to realize that I did not appreciate my family before everything happened over these past two years. I truthfully never even imagined in my wildest nightmares what actually happened. It seems like I talk about loss a lot and if you have never really lost someone you won't really understand why. I learned quickly that when I held it all in it created more damage within myself.

I just want to say that every relation I create is meaningful to me. Even if it is just a wave I would notice if it wasn't there.

I have never been more happy in my life. Heartbroken but happy. I have many questions I need to start answering because sometimes I just don't know and I'm a happy ignorant crazy person. Truthfully I love my life and I'm happy. I just hope that people realize that memories are irreplaceable and I know I missed out on so many experiences and I have come to terms with that.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Thank You.

I just want to say with out the friends in my life I don't think I would be anywhere near what I have accomplished. I really just want to thank all of those people I can call a friend for helping me with my homework and procrastinating with me, for letting me fall asleep while in an Xbox party for the past 3 years, for texting me back when I'm having a melt down, for going to lunch with me, for being a friend at work, and for just being there every once in a while.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Chronicles of Death.

Its so terrible to see my poor fish fight so hard for his life and in the end won't make it until morning. No one really knows why its so difficult to deal with but I'll explain now. When my mom was in the hospital for the first time I bought a beta fish (this is where my fish love came from). A week before she passed my fish died. So I associate's probably weird yeah I can't control how long they live as long as I keep them fed and just hurts.

I know I'm a little over dramatic about this, but now you might understand a little more.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

New York.

So lately I've been super busy and last week I decided I was going to send my Aunt Judy Utah truffles which I hope her boys don't eat them all or intercept them like they were saying they were going to haha. Though last week I didn't get them sent off, they are in a box, but I haven't actually sent them yet. Lately I have really missed New York. I love the fast pace and people that live there. Yeah I went there for 2 weeks for vacation, it's different than living there, but that is the kind of life style I like. IE the 17 credits and 20+ hour work weeks.

That is my thought take it as you will. One day I will live there I can promise you that.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


So lately working at Lin's has just been really frustrating, not my actual job or the people I directly work with, but the people that work outside of pharmacy.

Just gotta say never be rude to customers..even if the area you are working in is torn apart and a disaster. Yesterday my dad had an experience in the deli and straight said he won't go there if that same girl is working he would rather make an extra trip to Albertsons..That's bull to me because if another customer had the same problem it would be fixed, so today he is hopefully going to tell Jeff because no customer should be treated that way even employees.

Italians are very protective..its our nature, not that my dad can't hold his all know that by now if you're reading this. But really this is my rant. I think, like I said, it's bull that someone would act like that when I know that right now as employees we are supposed to be as accommodating as possible to customers because of the construction.

So yeah this gets me.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My World of Thought.

Aww no more human race..

The answer to many zombie questions but, in truth who is preparing for this for reals. 

I have faith in humanity that this will not ever end the world. I also believe that God wouldn't create a creature like that, or turn beings related to himself into a monster.

Anyway that was my random thought. Probably because I am so dang tired I feel like a zombie. DON'T SHOOT ME!!

hehe oh I'm so funny.

By the way, I've become a happier person for the first time in over two years if you can't tell by this post. 

I seriously can relate so many unrelated things together and make them funny when I'm in a good mood. Well make myself laugh at least. 

I miss my mommy today. But I know she is laughing at the silly things I do and I know she would love the pottery I've been making. She was my true believer and fan. I miss that so much.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

College and Other Stuff.

I really dislike my school schedule. The end.

Dr. Barrett is freaking insane. Just so everyone who is taking business classes knows...avoid him at all costs. He will straight call people ignorant and other really rude, inappropriate things. He's just a jerk.

Today I wanted to punch him in the face.

Blah Blah Blah...This is what classes have been like all day. All that needs to happen is for graduation to come. Oh I'm going to brag about myself, Deans List last semester and my Associates in May!!

Seriously so lost in Stats right now...great..

Oh man. So at work yesterday this person I work with, not to mention names, but a problem child hung up on a doctors office. So I said, "Op, you hung up on a doctors office," and he had a freaking spaz attack. Started saying he wasn't perfect and what not. I was just standing there thinking calm down dude..calm down. Anyway thought I would vent that. Never said I love everyone I work with *Disclaimer* hehe.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Thought of the Day.

In the end everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end.

Sometimes I get terrible feelings that I've done things the wrong way in my life. As in I made the wrong choice somewhere down the line and really messed everything up. But today I feel like those things that come to mind were supposed to happen because I wouldn't be where I am now. Which is closer to my family, especially my cousins and dad, in a job I love, and in the program I want to be in for college.

For a while now I've quoted the song This is the House that Doubt Built by A Day to Remember, " In the end it's not about what you have, in then end it's all about where you wanna go and the road you take to help you get there. I hope you think that's fair. Cause you've only got one life to lead, so don't take for granted those little things, those little things are all that we have." 

Truly those little things are everything. The other day I started crying because of the color of my cousins eyes, they look so much like her dads and my moms. Sure I'm an emotional wreak at times but I am still happy with my life the way it is. If I wasn't happy with my situation I know I could never succeed.

I just want everyone to take that little bit of advice.