Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"

It seems I can write about anything but the school work I am assigned.

I think that the situation has gotten worse since I started my second semester and I'm also sick and not getting better. It's like every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel it starts to fade again.

Maybe if he acted like he was proud of me I just might believe in myself. Maybe if he didn't act like everything I do isn't good enough I would be happy with what I'm doing, but truthfully it makes me want to do just the opposite of what my dad thinks I need to be studying, and for more truth, Ceramics is what I  am and will always be interested in, even if it gets me no where in life, it makes me happy.

How are you supposed to be happy when the one person you hope to make proud will never be proud? It's that void where you can't control what is missing but it will never come back. This would be why I have such a hard time with my mom being gone at times, like today. She always went out of her way to tell me she that I was doing good, and it will never be the same if anyone else tries to tell me how proud they are, simply it helps, except it isn't from the person I am trying so hard for, but will never be good enough.

Well maybe it isn't true, but that's how I feel. If there are so many people who say he's proud of me, why  can't he say one good thing to me himself? Why is it all I hear is, "You need to get rid of those pots they take up too much room" or "Why didn't you get a better grade than that?"

Anyway, great day as you can tell I just got pushed over the edge again. I had to put it somewhere and I don't think too many people read this regularly if I don't post it on Facebook.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


A simple response, in time, in time it will get better, in time it will be different. This time has done nothing but hurt. people tell me they are there for me and truthfully I'm glad. But when it comes to the one I am want to talk to I know that it is hopeless. Tonight has made it more clear than any other that what I want in certain relationships will never work, and not because of me. Truthfully it hurts to think about it sitting here typing this, I know that what I have been trying so hard to create is nothing on the other side and it just plain kills me inside.

December seems to be that month this year that basically nothing went right but nothing went wrong at the same time. My worst fear is here it surrounds me daily and it will never go away. I am missing the one person in my life I could talk to, my mom. Before everything happened and before she was so sick I didn't talk to her, I wasn't close to her. I beat myself up for that I can promise you that. If there is anything people get out of my blog is that your parents, adopted, birth, foster, whatever they are to you, they are irreplaceable. They love you unconditionally, let them be your friend, talk to them, laugh, enjoy their company, you never know when you won't have them to laugh with about how your dogs are trouble makers and look out for each other by letting the gimpy one out of the laundry room in the middle of the night anymore. I don't think that anyone will quite understand what I am trying to say until it happens no matter the age. Maybe I just didn't have the chance to grow up and like my parents before it all happened. Just get over it though before it's too late.

I, I will not surrender.
No I, I will not surrender

It seems that no matter the situation I've found some lyric or song that has made me realize it will never be the end because I want it to be, it's not up to me.

School is starting for me on Tuesday again, college, what more can I say about that, I didn't do great my first semester but I only have to retake one class, Math 1100 Business Calculus. It was a little interesting because the grades I got weren't awesome. But my dad, he said he understood. He's been through it. His mom died when he was 19 he failed classes, so I did better than he thought I would. You know, he has been the greatest dad I could ever ask for. I might not always agree with him or get along with him but he is always there even if I mess up.I love him.

Need i say anything about my wonderful boyfriend. Yeah we go through hard times, rough patches and confusion but he has always been there. Maybe not in the way everyone expected him to be but in a way that I needed him to be. I needed someone to be normal around me and he was, and is. I thank him for that too. I'm not sure what i would have done, because it seemed that I was alone, no one knew what to say or how to talk to me.

I feel like this post seems like I am giving up, but in contrary I have realized yet again that there are people that will always be there, many I have not mentioned, but if you are reading this far down, you are one of them and know who you are haha. I am ready to start this new semester and new year, for the better. I have the desire to change the way I think when I lose all hope and I know that I can. People aren't here for nothing, every person I've been in contact with or met in my life are there for a purpose, though I may never know what it is, I know that they have helped me grow or learn something that has helped me get to where I am now.