Monday, May 20, 2013

Don't Wake Me I Plan On Sleeping In

Some nights I know I'm going to have nightmares.  Truthfully most people would consider them wonderful dreams of happiness that I've enjoyed in my life, but I don't. Nights like tonight I would rather not sleep and be tired tomorrow.  I can't even begin to explain the hurt that comes through these dreams. There is only one person I've ever known who has worse dreams the dreams that make you throw up when you wake up and realize you just relived the worst day of your life.

I don't know how else to explain what I've lived through over and over through my sleep. Sometimes it's happy memories and when I wake up I realize it was just a dream and sometimes its that morning when my sister woke me up the nightmare that was real.

No one understands why when they say your dad is awesome I just say yeah sure don't get me wrong without him I would be lost but that night I was told to go home I will never forgive him for that. That night all I wanted was to stay at the hospital. I knew I would never be able to talk to my mom again after they told the family she was on a respirator I think I might have been the only one who really knew that night. I remember exactly what I was doing exactly who I was talking to when my grandma called me that night. The thing that torments me the most is I can't remember if I told her I loved her when I left earlier that night. I don't care what anyone says about how she's in heaven and knows I love her. That is how I know when people really don't understand me. If I love someone they will know and if they don't and I lose them I will never forgive myself for letting that happen I know she knew I loved her. But really how much I cared, I never began to really appreciate her.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


When I was in high school and had lots of time on my hands I wrote lots of poetry. For some reason it seems like I knew what was going to happen because I always wrote about the feeling of being alone.

I realized the reason I really want to walk tomorrow at graduation is because the second worst day of my life was my high school graduation. All my mom wanted through out her knee surgery was to go to my graduation. The doctor had even said she could leave for it and be readmitted after, if we promised to bring her back and two days before she lost her fight, two years ago at the end of this May the longest years of my life. I've come to rather be alone than with other people because sometimes it just hurts to put an effort into my relations. I love my life and friends and family. I've also come to cherish my time with my family a lot more than I ever did before.

Something stupid though, inherently stupid, I have panic attacks if my family doesn't answer my phone call. It probably seems completely pathetic if you have never lost someone really close to you. But anyway this is my story for the day it's been on my mind lately.