Ranting.

Wanna know what pisses me off..well ima tell you even if you don't.

People piss me off. I get blamed for the stupid things that I have nothing to do with. I think that I have learned something new today and I really know that the people I can count on will always be here and the people I can't count on are already gone. The thought that I used to trust the people makes me sick inside to know they know things about me that make me so vulnerable.

I believe that my family and friends are the basis of who I am. Not including CJ that is a given. He makes me think differently than I ever thought I could. Within the last few months I have learned that those are the people I count on and will always be able to talk to.  

My cousin Sierra this is for you. Thank you. Through out these past few months knowing that you were there for me made things easier. Even though I never said much, I know I can tell you anything. I miss you lots and I wish I could be here this weekend. 

Even though most of these people that mean a lot to me won't ever read this I hope they know that without them I wouldn't know what to do. I know I have those friends that are my older brothers and without them I wouldn't be the protected little sister and now days I know that is truly what I need now. It is that unspoken agreement that they will always look out for me and always piss me off just like i expect.

Since my mom has been gone I've noticed the support I've always had. I know that those teachers that have become friends are the people I have learned the most from. I've also learned that I can't take my hurt and frustration out on the first person I see. I love the people that are getting hurt and pushed away too easily because of my stubbornness and lack of judgement.  

I just want ya'll to know that I love you and am glad to have the support system I have.

Stargazer Lilies.

The creation that I would like to thank God for today. Stargazer Lilies. Those beautiful flowers have changed the way that I view today. Just the thought of those flowers in the window overlooking the South side of Saint George. The summer I spent in the hospital praying hoping believing and dreaming this would all turn out how it was supposed to. Not how a year ago I was visiting the 3rd floor on a daily basis and now I sit on the grass for as long as i can bare to make reality real again.


I remember the day the happy day when I brought those lilies into my moms hospital room not expecting what was to come I never thought that now I would be making myself physically sick from crying knowing that, that vase that short tubby vase would remind me of the day i found out that open heart surgery was July 13, and now a year later I am lost without my mom.


The three months of this summer are nothing to me. the things I remember are the ones that cause the most greif. The morning being woken up knowing that i would never begin to realize how much my mom meant to me nor will I ever forget how much she still means to me.


I don't believe that at the moment college is what I should or can be doing, but here I am. Thrown into the world of books and tests again. The people that mean the most to me are the ones that are getting more distant and truthfully I don't know what to do other than talk. Spill my emotions which i really don't know how to do without crying. Sincerely I am sick of crying, but in the end I'm more sick of holding in the things that are making me cry.


I have pushed for the past 3 months and now I know that it was wrong I want to be close with friends, people I love, people I know I don't want to live without.


Summer ceramics was the hardest 5 weeks of my life and because of the simplicity of it, I didn't notice. It hadn't hit me yet. Nothing had truly changed until I realized when i took home my pots instead of a those are amazing I got a why did you make all those.


The time I have had to think and rethink I know what I want. Life doesn't always come easy to people and this time, this decision has for me. My meaning is that I want and will be a CPA hopefully within 5 years. I want to push my own limits and I know that I can. I want to have a family as soon as it is right and I want the people out there to know that truth. My hidden truth. My smile now days isn't for me anymore, it is for you and someday again, soon, I know it will be for myself.

Loosing Battles

I never thought of the possibilities. Of the hurt that doesn't go away. The thought that everything has changed won't settle. I need someone I can spill everything to in the middle of the night when i can't sleep and the terror of the false hope from the nightmares keep me awake.


I know lately my blogs have been, to say the least depressing.


Truthfully when you ask how are you I want to say horrible. I want to say that I want my mom to laugh with and share my day with. I know it does nothing to cry about it but truthfully this is how I feel. I want to know that when I get home I can talk to her about the people I know and the funny stories about my friends. I miss her. I miss the trips and time I got to spend with my mom. I miss that she knew how much ceramics means to me. How when I would bring something home it would be praised and said it was the best thing I've made so far. I just miss my mom.


Yeah I guess this has turned into my journal for the world to see. This wasn't what i meant it to be but here it is. 


The flips and turns i make
The highs and dives in my emotions
Memories twist around me.


I've said it before,
This isn't what i came for.
90 miles an hour
Just to be too late.


Waking up to the news.
It isn't true.


Another wave of emotion hits.
Crashing into me with this out of control world.
Distant faces and thoughts
covered by the ocean of pain.


This mona lisa,
it's my piece of work.
I'll finish before it's too late
You'll remember what I lived for.


The memories give hope
the hope gives pain
the pain gives me my reality.


She is what created my life.
All that I know,
I walk my path with her lessons
leading me,
I'm lost but not in life.


I miss that person.
I used to know myself.
Through the pain I see the change.


Alma 32:21:
And now as i said concerning faith -- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if you have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.


I guess this is what just happens when I let my mind write now days.

Good-ness.

I am going to be a happy person this week. Well actually, for the rest of my life. Tuesday is the store softball tournament I'm actually excited for it other than that's when CJ gets home. I've noticed myself through out the summer changing as the days slowly go by. I truthfully don't know what I want to do with my life, so I've given up for the moment and I'm focusing on accounting. 


I've also noticed things that most don't. When it comes to people, they are distant to me. I don't really know if it is me, or them but that is the feeling I get when I'm around others now. Part of it I know is me. I'm trying not to but I've made a shell that I don't let many into. 


The phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder, not true. Time is what makes the heart grow fonder. These past 4 months without CJ have made me realize that the time I spend with him are the times I am most happy. Knowing that he is a 5 minute drive away always gave me that security that when something is wrong I can turn to him and when he wasn't there I knew that it would be the hardest summer of my life. Also, time creates the memories and moments that bring happiness throughout life. Not that I have all this experience that I can back up my statements, I do have my 18 years and  within the last 4 months a lot of sleepless nights thinking about things I could have changed and things that were great in the time I got to spend with my mother.


Of course I just lost the rest of what I've been trying to say for so long. I just know that because I did choose the things that meant nothing in the end I missed a lot of great things that I will never get to have memories of. The people that mean the most to me keep leaving and without them I am becoming lost. The things I've been taught and the things I have seen are making me into the person I want to be.


"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." -- Abraham Lincoln