This Season.

How can someone mean so much to you and you can't even carry a conversation with them anymore? All I want to do is run up to him and hug him and cry because I just can't handle not having my mom around anymore especially right now, this close to Christmas, and truthfully he was the reason I could handle nights like this. She is supposed to be here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Christmas is supposed to be the happiest holiday, I think it is going to be the worst. It's like I'm missing half of me. It's like every other day I'm ok and then it's horrible. It's like I'm reliving that day and truthfully I don't even remember most of it just a lot of people and trying not to believe it was real that I would wake up from the nightmare, that my sister never came to my room to wake me up and tell me. It's like this spinning world is moving faster and faster but I'm not going anywhere and I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess this whole mood could be because of the stress of finals, but truthfully I just think it's getting to me tonight. I'm trying but sometimes I just want to sit in my bed all day and night. I think its enough of my depressive mood.

Just to take things slowly is what I need to remember. People keep saying time heals and truthfully for me it hasn't, not one bit. I just hope that time will heal this open wound but I'm starting to doubt it.

Even though I think Christmas is going to be horrible, I hope it isn't.
Merry Christmas people. You guys know that even your smiles and those funny conversations I have with you all help me through the day.

You know ceramics is what I miss. It might be part of the problem. It's just a good thing that I decided to do what I wanted to do, not my dad, and signed up for the advanced class for spring.

FRIENDS!

I'll be there for you, cause your there for me too!

I love friends everyone. You should go watch every season, or watch it with me! It reminds me of 6th grade and Zachary Grant Bess watching friends at his old house. Well I hope other people think about random stuff like that haha.

Saturday was successful I went to the downtown farmers market and sold a few pots! Also got my Gma her christmas gift! One down millions to go. Oh and I'm still shaking  from being cold lovely I know!

Christmas. So one of the best holidays and I'm dreading it. No need, correct? Wrong. I'm motherless. I don't know what to do. It seems like the people I do call mother will always be there for me, but in the end they aren't my mom. I love them to death, but it's not the same. I just want things to be normal around my house, I'm trying my dad's trying Kylah is the only one who doesn't understand and I wish I could just be like her sometimes, the innocent child that thinks Granny and Grandma Terry are in the clouds and will be back soon. I can at the least say my life is better because of them but I know I did not get to spend enough time with either.

Grabbed it by the horns,

Thrown off more than once,

Experience makes the difference.

Cherish the small things

sweat the big stuff,

enjoy what is not sought by others.

thoughts and words strung together,

the hope lies in the middle

tasteless tragedy lingers in the distance.

So this is an ongoing post of 3 days now, so it seems sporadic sorry and I never finished my thoughts last night I got distracted, oh well haha sounds like me.  Well to end on a good note finals this week! I'm actually excited for all of them but Math lol. The first semester of college flew past me and I've learned more from the people around me than the books. Look on the bright side or life.

Learning Curve

Don't take for granted those little things, those little things are all that we have.

I learned something today, no matter how hard I think life is for me, it can't get worse than where it's at now. My problem is getting over not having my mom around to talk to her and when I really think about it she will always be there for me maybe not next to me, but everything she has taught me and helped me with I will always take along the ride.

It's taken me a while to realize that I can do it on my own now that I have to it seems it has just hit me in the face. Of course I will always have my family and those friends that know exactly what to say even if they dont know they do and even if it makes me cry my eyes out its what I need to hear.

I don't think it will ever change. I will always argue with my dad, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I will always want to do ceramics and I never will be able to. Those two things seem to be inevitable.

My problems start at myself. It's not that I don't like myself, I just have no self confidence. Sometimes I make myself mad with it but other times I realize I'm right. School is the thing that gets me the worst, but I think I will get over it.

It is simpler than I make it most of the time. I over think everything and you know sometimes it isn't so bad. I like that I can make a decision on my own without someone over my shoulder making sure I'm not messing up. I know most can but lately it's even better and I'm referring to my dad. He is awesome but I like making my own decisions and having my own things.

FINALS.

here goes.

So it's december, obviously, I really like it right now. Although I think that by the time finals are over I'm going to be an emotional wreck. You know the longer it spans the harder it's getting. I miss my mom more every day and I almost feel bad for the people I'm around because they have to listen to me about it a lot. I just want you all to know that I am really thankful for you, especially CJ.

As the time keeps going by it seems that I keep changing and growing. I know that through it all there will always be those people with me. There will also be the people that come and go, and lately there have been a few. I know it's not always what I want, but it was supposed to be that way. It is always hard at first, and sometimes it doesn't get better fast enough. I think that the people that have been there through the hardest times are the ones that are irreplaceable to me. I know I have had hard times with people and with myself, but it can't get much worse than it has been in the past.

Its not that today was a good day I just know that I don't show the appreciation for the life I have. CJ was the one to point this out and at first it made me mad, but then i knew he was right. I don't I like to complain about how its just so hard because I don't always get along with my father. You know, it has been a big curve. I had my mom to talk to. It is not the easiest thing to talk about or even think about. But I need to get over hiding everything. That has also been a hot topic lately. It has been over 6 months, and truthfully I'm not over it, nor do I think I ever will be, but I need to be able to deal with it because frankly, I haven't dealt with it and because of that I've become distant from everyone.

I have no idea if I've said all this before I probably have actually. I just want to force it haha. I guess anyway it is just different from everything I've ever had to deal with and I think this is my vent for it because it's the easiest place to type and type without having a real direction.

Hurt.

So here goes the woes.

I just feel like I can't do anything right especially for my dad. I cannot please him no matter what I do. Frankly it hurts at the end of the day I sit in my room wishing I was else where. Here is my problem. I have a hard time living in my house in the first place, all the memories and things that should make me happy just hurt still. Oh brings me to another thing cried twice at work today awesome huh! But it seems that every thing that has hit in the last year has created a situation where I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I am going to move out that is one decided thing, to where, who knows. I have always wanted to move out for college and the fact that I don't get along with my dad makes me have just another reason. It also seems that lately I can't even please myself with what I am trying to achieve, it's like this, I got a 67 on my accounting test, yeah not that great, I beat myself up all day about it then I get a call from my dad, you need to change something, telling me I'm yet again not good enough, when hey not to hate on my sister, I love her, and truthfully I think I'm jealous that I can see that my dad is proud of her, not and will never say one word about me. Just all I can say is it hurts, to all that care.

I miss my mother. She did more than I knew to keep me going. All the little things I didn't know about are gone. In the long run of things I know that now she is gone all I want is to have her here. Even if she was mad at me for the rest of my life, I would rather have her here, I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I just wish I would have realized everything before.

This is what is happening.

Here we go!

So it has been one year to the day, I don't think that my sister or cousin sierra realize but when it's exactly a week after me and CJ's anniversary... My Granny is the greatest lady I have had the privilege to know. I miss her immensely. You ask, why is she blogging about this, well this is my intro to my random thought/poem things I like to write.

Happiness is not what is hoped for,
Love is what we have,
Normalcy is what I need.

Nothing is the same,
There's nothing we can do.

What is going on,
Who thought that this would happen,
Where does life go from here.

So many questions left unanswered,
No help from you.

Running past me,
Time is gone,
Stealing all that was close.

One year, Six months,
Which is worse?

Oh no..maybe I'll finish this after class, at home. Or maybe it is done.

Just a short snippet of my thoughts today. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this still. I've found that in the end crying does nothing, but sometimes it makes me think it helps. I need to think about the happy times I have created with the people that are gone now.

Update!

Okay Liana needs to post some pictures! This has been the biggest roller coaster of the last 3 weeks! Too much stuff has been going on for me to even think. By the end of this blog you will know! Haha So just as a side note my dog is awesome! Me and cj have been dating for over a year now and it's freaking awesome. I seriously cant believe that it's been this long. But truthfully it has been the best year of my life. Ok so in the last weeks I have been to park city for the best bagger competition. Yeah I didn't win but it was a good time. Gears of war 3 came out and it's about the best game I've played in a long time. Ok so that was a spillage of words.

Best bagger: ok well here goes I got to go to park city again we stayed at the chetuex (I think that's how you spell it?) the competition was the day we got there and it was pretty cool I thought I was going to place, but I didn't. The room was awesome other than the fact that I couldn't sleep. The next day we went to the university mall I got to go to forever21 and spend money and eat at chick-fil-a haha it was awesome I made cj jealous because its his favorite.

Gears of war 3: I am a nerd. End of story it is the greatest campaign ever!

Anniversary: yesterday was awesome! Me and cj have been dating for a year now! It makes me happy to think that it's been over a year and that we have made it through the summer of him working for Vivint and being across the country. (which by the way was killing me) I'm just glad he understands me and all the problems I've had with my mom being gone and everything and he just knows how to fix things hah I'm in love sorry I'm going on about it but I could go one forever about our relationship and how all the random little things make me happy. Well yesterday was what I was supposed to be talking about. So I got to hang out with cj all day yesterday and it was haha pretty normal which is what made it 100 times better. I know I sound so weird right? But that's all I've been asking for since may is just things to feel normal and for once yesterday it was good. I know it won't ever be completely normal but it was as normal as it will ever be yesterday haha I took a nap while cj played black ops, we got dinner at Honolulu Grill (highly recommend it) we went to the corn maze and stopped by ice berg before we went to his parents to drop off the rest of our chocolate banana shake haha. Course his dad is obsessed with ice cream.

 My freakin dog! Rosco is insane! I'll edit this next time I get on my computer so everyone can see all the stuff that has been going on and what not but I think for now this is all I have to say maybe later today I'll actually write not just update y'all I love you.

Thoughtlessness.

The first time I realized this,
It's going to be ok,

The first time I fell asleep,
numb and useless,
I don't need hope.

Never letting go,
Never giving up,
Always keeping close.

My thoughts change with the wind
Timeless presence
Inevitably coming to a close,
Things changed.

For better or worse,
There's nothing I can do,
Creating my own path
Judging myself too harshly.

Hoping for the approval,
Never receiving the praise.
Down and down,
Not good enough.

Who cares about it,
I will be me,
It's not up to you,
Hope you understand.

Music.

I would have to say without a doubt, Rise Against is one of the only bands I can think of that sings with emotion anymore. Yes I know there are more, but they are the band that writes what they want not what the world wants to hear. Lately I've noticed that people these days don't care what makes themselves happy but what others think will make them happy.

Today is one of those days. I have to register my jeep again, and who's name is on the title, my moms. It sounds stupid but it is so hard to get rid of one more thing that she is tied to.

I am pretty sure I aced my math 1100 test today woo! But school is insane, I know I wasn't ready for it but hey too late now I dove head first with 16 credits.By this time next year I hope to be applied for my associates, which will be awesome.

I want to be moved out on my own by January, I am ready for it, I hope. I just know the memories, although they are great, hurt too much living in this house right now. I love my dad we don't get along nor have we ever, really, and I know it is making this so much harder for me but I am trying.

Slow Decay.

The life being sucked out of me,
through days and months,
emotions worn to nothing.

The slow decay was disguised,
frail frames broken so easily
nothing to support them.
beams of trust sawed through
I'm left behind.

The hurt is inconceivable,
tearing me apart from the inside,
I'm at a loss.

like ripping the bandaid off,
but the sting won't leave,
the wound is fresh.

All I want is one last conversation. I know it would leave me wanting more but there are certain things I just want to ask my mom but I know I will never know the answer to them now. I want it to all be normal again but it never will be. Two days, thats all she talked about and she just needed two more days until my graduation.

Nights, what can I say this is what it does to me now. I miss my best friend, it's my own fault, but I miss him all the same. That weird line of I know it had to be done, but I miss the conversation.

I went from May 27. to July 4th ignoring the fact that I was being eaten alive. Everything has slowly hit me and now I am truly wondering if I can handle  this like I thought I could, in fact I know I can't. This is now why i turn to this blog, and CJ to help me with everything and truly I feel horrible for dumping all my depressed emotions on him, and its just not me. I wish he knew how much he means to me and that he really does help. I just hope that I can heal enough before I hurt me and his relationship that is what truly scares me.

Frustration.

hmmph. I seriously feel like a loser right now. I need to go do something fun or something with Kali and Kear. I just need to be cheered up.

So i feel like I need to move because I cant stand being in my house anymore. There are so many things that hurt here. I'm over all the problems that I have to deal with and all the stupid things that keep happening.

I just am done with it. I have no words.

Off Topic

But reason I started this post today, CJ is the worst at driving an automatic now lol. He slamed on the breaks twice yesterday the first time I almost hit the windshield it was so freaking funny. He is so used to his clutch that he kept using the breaks for it. We went and got cupshakes for my birthday at The Sweet Tooth Fairy which were way good..but way too rich. Oh and when we got home I did better in Black Ops than he did!! (: That made me happy.

So, I'm thinking I really want to move to Salt Lake or somewhere close up there. I can't decide if I want to stay here to get my degree or what idk...but we'll see.

The Labor Day Weekend.

WARNING- Long blog coming.

This has been the best birthday weekend ever. That could be the end of my story, but it's just the beginning.

FRIDAY: This was the day we left to Salt Lake (CJ, Zach Jensen, and I). The first thing we did was stop and see the crazy huge house that over looks the Draper Temple, amazingly beautiful temple by the way. By the time we got to sleep it was close to midnight.

SATURDAY: Okay best day ever. Me and CJ went to temple square and the convention center and also went shopping. YES CJ went shopping (: hehe that is how I know he loves me. He HATES shopping. It was very cute though. He even picked out a shirt that I actually really like (: anyways we went to Chick-fil-a!! yum!! That is my favorite place to eat. Then we went to BLINK-182!!

I love it. This was the best concert I have ever been to thanks to CJ Sagendorf i love him with all my heart and i know that he would do anything for me. It was awesome. I can't even explain it.

SUNDAY:

What more can i say AFRO duck and CJ. Also before this we went to Harrisville I love that town. I want to live there for real. We ate at PF Changs because ABC Mandrin was closed which was disapointing. I got to hang out with Bri and Cameron too.

MONDAY: Drive home and pit stop to see Addie I love that little doll. And home. Oh wait millions of facebook posts saying happy birthday mostly from people that I have maybe talked to once in my life i think it is kinda weird. Anyway night to all. I'm tired.

Ranting.

Wanna know what pisses me off..well ima tell you even if you don't.

People piss me off. I get blamed for the stupid things that I have nothing to do with. I think that I have learned something new today and I really know that the people I can count on will always be here and the people I can't count on are already gone. The thought that I used to trust the people makes me sick inside to know they know things about me that make me so vulnerable.

I believe that my family and friends are the basis of who I am. Not including CJ that is a given. He makes me think differently than I ever thought I could. Within the last few months I have learned that those are the people I count on and will always be able to talk to.  

My cousin Sierra this is for you. Thank you. Through out these past few months knowing that you were there for me made things easier. Even though I never said much, I know I can tell you anything. I miss you lots and I wish I could be here this weekend. 

Even though most of these people that mean a lot to me won't ever read this I hope they know that without them I wouldn't know what to do. I know I have those friends that are my older brothers and without them I wouldn't be the protected little sister and now days I know that is truly what I need now. It is that unspoken agreement that they will always look out for me and always piss me off just like i expect.

Since my mom has been gone I've noticed the support I've always had. I know that those teachers that have become friends are the people I have learned the most from. I've also learned that I can't take my hurt and frustration out on the first person I see. I love the people that are getting hurt and pushed away too easily because of my stubbornness and lack of judgement.  

I just want ya'll to know that I love you and am glad to have the support system I have.

Stargazer Lilies.

The creation that I would like to thank God for today. Stargazer Lilies. Those beautiful flowers have changed the way that I view today. Just the thought of those flowers in the window overlooking the South side of Saint George. The summer I spent in the hospital praying hoping believing and dreaming this would all turn out how it was supposed to. Not how a year ago I was visiting the 3rd floor on a daily basis and now I sit on the grass for as long as i can bare to make reality real again.


I remember the day the happy day when I brought those lilies into my moms hospital room not expecting what was to come I never thought that now I would be making myself physically sick from crying knowing that, that vase that short tubby vase would remind me of the day i found out that open heart surgery was July 13, and now a year later I am lost without my mom.


The three months of this summer are nothing to me. the things I remember are the ones that cause the most greif. The morning being woken up knowing that i would never begin to realize how much my mom meant to me nor will I ever forget how much she still means to me.


I don't believe that at the moment college is what I should or can be doing, but here I am. Thrown into the world of books and tests again. The people that mean the most to me are the ones that are getting more distant and truthfully I don't know what to do other than talk. Spill my emotions which i really don't know how to do without crying. Sincerely I am sick of crying, but in the end I'm more sick of holding in the things that are making me cry.


I have pushed for the past 3 months and now I know that it was wrong I want to be close with friends, people I love, people I know I don't want to live without.


Summer ceramics was the hardest 5 weeks of my life and because of the simplicity of it, I didn't notice. It hadn't hit me yet. Nothing had truly changed until I realized when i took home my pots instead of a those are amazing I got a why did you make all those.


The time I have had to think and rethink I know what I want. Life doesn't always come easy to people and this time, this decision has for me. My meaning is that I want and will be a CPA hopefully within 5 years. I want to push my own limits and I know that I can. I want to have a family as soon as it is right and I want the people out there to know that truth. My hidden truth. My smile now days isn't for me anymore, it is for you and someday again, soon, I know it will be for myself.

Loosing Battles

I never thought of the possibilities. Of the hurt that doesn't go away. The thought that everything has changed won't settle. I need someone I can spill everything to in the middle of the night when i can't sleep and the terror of the false hope from the nightmares keep me awake.


I know lately my blogs have been, to say the least depressing.


Truthfully when you ask how are you I want to say horrible. I want to say that I want my mom to laugh with and share my day with. I know it does nothing to cry about it but truthfully this is how I feel. I want to know that when I get home I can talk to her about the people I know and the funny stories about my friends. I miss her. I miss the trips and time I got to spend with my mom. I miss that she knew how much ceramics means to me. How when I would bring something home it would be praised and said it was the best thing I've made so far. I just miss my mom.


Yeah I guess this has turned into my journal for the world to see. This wasn't what i meant it to be but here it is. 


The flips and turns i make
The highs and dives in my emotions
Memories twist around me.


I've said it before,
This isn't what i came for.
90 miles an hour
Just to be too late.


Waking up to the news.
It isn't true.


Another wave of emotion hits.
Crashing into me with this out of control world.
Distant faces and thoughts
covered by the ocean of pain.


This mona lisa,
it's my piece of work.
I'll finish before it's too late
You'll remember what I lived for.


The memories give hope
the hope gives pain
the pain gives me my reality.


She is what created my life.
All that I know,
I walk my path with her lessons
leading me,
I'm lost but not in life.


I miss that person.
I used to know myself.
Through the pain I see the change.


Alma 32:21:
And now as i said concerning faith -- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if you have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.


I guess this is what just happens when I let my mind write now days.

Good-ness.

I am going to be a happy person this week. Well actually, for the rest of my life. Tuesday is the store softball tournament I'm actually excited for it other than that's when CJ gets home. I've noticed myself through out the summer changing as the days slowly go by. I truthfully don't know what I want to do with my life, so I've given up for the moment and I'm focusing on accounting. 


I've also noticed things that most don't. When it comes to people, they are distant to me. I don't really know if it is me, or them but that is the feeling I get when I'm around others now. Part of it I know is me. I'm trying not to but I've made a shell that I don't let many into. 


The phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder, not true. Time is what makes the heart grow fonder. These past 4 months without CJ have made me realize that the time I spend with him are the times I am most happy. Knowing that he is a 5 minute drive away always gave me that security that when something is wrong I can turn to him and when he wasn't there I knew that it would be the hardest summer of my life. Also, time creates the memories and moments that bring happiness throughout life. Not that I have all this experience that I can back up my statements, I do have my 18 years and  within the last 4 months a lot of sleepless nights thinking about things I could have changed and things that were great in the time I got to spend with my mother.


Of course I just lost the rest of what I've been trying to say for so long. I just know that because I did choose the things that meant nothing in the end I missed a lot of great things that I will never get to have memories of. The people that mean the most to me keep leaving and without them I am becoming lost. The things I've been taught and the things I have seen are making me into the person I want to be.


"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." -- Abraham Lincoln

Up All Night.

19 in a little over a month. I can't believe how fast time flys by sometimes. I remember playing Beenie Babys with my best friend and eating watermelon and muddy bears on the 24th with the whole neighborhood like it was last year. So updates.


It's hot in Saint George like always. I miss my mom like always.


Last night we had a bonfire at Carson's house that was pretty fun. Story behind that, it was supposed to be out past the dam road ya know...well we got out there and no one brought a lighter so we obviously had no way to start a fire. so technically it was just a fire in his fire pit. But not gonna lie good music and good people create one good night. Oh I still agree chocolate and strawberry marshmallows are weird.

I tend to think about things that mean nothing but help to figure things out when I sit and star into the fire and watch the ashes fly away and the embers shine in the dark. 

Sucker for Lovers.

I truly know i have the person I want to be with. Not gonna lie he is amazing. I'm not just gonna post a full blog completely about him even though thats the title.

So when I think through the times I've had in my life I know I don't think of a lot of them because of the people that were in them. It's tough knowing things have to change when they shouldn't have to, but you know they need to.

People throw the L word around too easily these days. Not to say I am not an abuser of it either. I have found that when I mean something is when I act upon the subject. Not when I just say it.  I think that goes for everything in my life lately since I've lost my mother. and here I go crying again.

I know I have kind of become a hermit living at ceramics and my house except when I work. I want my friends to know that I'm still trying. Yeah we only ever hang out at night, and that is when everything is harder for me. I'm sorry I haven't been around much but thats the hard part about everything at night I either have to be alone or I can't be alone and that probably makes less sense than most of my blogs but I just mean the second that sun sets my mind starts racing about all the things I didn't get to say or do when my mom was here. I don't expect anyone to really understand either.

To end today, I am using my very unoriginal favorite quote,

"In times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

-George Orwell 

McCarran

So, here I am sitting at McCarran International. Excited and very scared..my tummy doesn't like it. 

First off long day. I decided to go to the Warped Tour in Las Vegas, bad idea. Horrible. I hated it and left before I even got to see A Day To Remember. There was no way I could have stayed I'm such a princess now days. It's sad. Reason for the airport, going to see CJ!!! I'm excited for that I haven't seen him in over 2 months, yeah screw that. I think this is going to be the longest night, but well worth it! Tomorrow is going to be amazing! 

TaDa I took a shower in a trucker stop today, that was cool, not gonna lie. Nicer than I thought it was going to be forsure. It cost me 10 dollars though that kinda stunk, but now I don't.

I miss my friends already! ): I never got to hang out with the Lin's crew before I left dangit.

Thought of the day, actually its on my shirt but it says "If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." - Enter Shikari. Love it. 

I noticed that when I haven't made a strong decision before the choice comes, i end up choosing the wrong one more often. Keep the promises you make and believe the promises that have been made to you, even if you shouldn't. I know whoever it is there is no type of relationship without that trust. So believe me when I say, stay closer than you want to be to the people who mean the most to you. love them with all your heart.

Time.

I know that with every step I take I forge my path. Though I know not wether it is the right direction, I will always end up where I am supposed to be. Time is on my side. Nothing will ever be the same, but some things will change for the better. My mistakes are what make the changes in my life.


I miss my Mother. Simply I haven't figured out what to do without her. I miss my boyfriend, and I know lately we haven't had the greatest relationship, but i seemed to blame him for everything hurting worse. I know it isn't his fault that he is 2,000 miles away when something like this had to happen, it just seemed easier to blame someone for nothing getting better. I love him though I know he wanted to be here, and I know it wasn't fair to him that i took my hurt and anger out on him. I feel horrible about it and i know i need to truly apologize to him for it.


My best friend, I love you Compy. You  are awesome, I think that I really take people for granted, you as my main example. I'm sorry for that and i am truly thankful for the companionship and care you have shown me in this time.


So i just felt the need to randomly vent about this, it's just something that i have been thinking about lately..and i know that I don't exactly need to tell the whole world but maybe you will understand more because of this..I seem to torture myself with things like this and that is why I have typed this.

Well Angels Landing

Best day since, well since May 22. I love my friends. So Joshua wanted to leave at 10 am not too early, but he was so anxious it made me laugh. It was Kali, Josh, Ben, Austin (BFF) and me who went. We actually left at like 12 so we didn't get to Zions until 1ish. It was a good ride there and I'm glad i went, anyway we hiked Angels Landing, and technically I got to the top, I just stopped when it turns into the chains you hold on to not to fall off the 1400 foot drop. If you know anything about me, you know I'm terribly afraid of heights. But this was awesome. Josh took over 500 pictures and Kali and I about died it was super fun though. So pretty and it was a great day to go. Though, now I have a major sunburn and it hurts really bad. hehe (: day before I was like "oh i don't sunburn" hah yeah...I want to do this more often.

The Lost and Inconceivable

When I perceive things now, I think of what it will be not what it is. By controlling my decisions in life I know that my choices have brought me to this fork in the road. The present is truly my gift, from the memories that surround me. The hope that things would change is now my desire that they didn't. Writing for the first time, not numb to all surroundings. Jumbled thoughts and too many words won't leave me be.


The dreams are nightmares,
creeping through my waking thoughts.
Leaving the doors open,
or locking them tight.


The glances and emotions displayed,
thoughts and words spill from my mind.
No replacements.
Numbers, letters, jumbled as a junk yard.


Increasing in risk,
yet the same outcome is promised.
The desire and hope vacant.
Disconnect, inconceivable hurt
The cause is unknown to you.


Stinging, splintering disgust,
Distrust, no hope.
Thoughtless emotions fill me.
The desire is there, the hope is gone.


Whoa there, kinda hope not too many people read this, or pick out the true topic of what this is written about. Interesting things come to my mind at two in the morning. Any who, this is my mind take it or leave it. I know I'm messed up as of late, I have reason enough.

The Numbness.

The wind is shaking,
Moving the world around me but all is still.
There are signs of change,
Pointing different directions than i wanted.


It's cold,
Yet the tears are like fire, burning my skin.
My world is black,
It has come crashing and won't quit falling.


What I lived for,
What I hoped for,
Where has it gone?


I am helpless,
Time lost without even knowing,
Regrets fill my soul.


A piece of the puzzle is missing,
She will never be replaced.
Cherish the moments,
I know I didn't.


Is this real?
Why no warning?


Her love is beautiful,
It surrounds what i will work towards.
There is no greater meaning of life.
Precious memories are mine,
safe to keep.

Someone Tell Me I'm Wrong

I am a confused child..and i have much to say about nothing. My best friend, Compy, (Zachary Doty) love this guy, great subject. Seriously if it wasn't for him i would be a troubled girl haha. Since CJ left he has been the only one that can really make me laugh about anything. I can't imagine having it any other way. CJ actually trusts him too. So the last couple weeks seemed to go from all time low to fixed in the time it takes to send a few texts. Without the things I've learned about myself and life this past year i would be lost. I know that no one will ever pull me away from my friends again, the few that i have. Through the hurt and love that life's rollar coaster sends us on i know that the people that have come and gone have taught me a few things, and the people that are still here, are the ones that make me realize what life is really living for. The ones I love are the people that really matter to me and I know that they will always come before anything else.

hopeful.

Great, again with this. I don't doubt..I actually am so secure that it kinda makes me worry of my sanity. haha kidding, Saturday is the day until July 1st. That timeline is when i worry about my sanity. I am in love no matter what people think. It's the real deal and I know it's right. I'm real young but why does it matter to anyone anymore. He is who i live for now.

People

I don't get it. The people that were helping me...are now ignoring me. I really have no idea why or what i did either.. I feel bad because I feel like I did something and I have no idea what I did. I can't fix something if I don't know what is wrong. Hopefully I can be ok because I already miss those friends, and I feel like they don't care. So I probably shouldn't care..but I do. No matter what I always will..I don't want to, but I can't not care.

Yet Again.

I really dont know what I am doing lately. As the world turns and the sun shines there will always be the hope of happiness. Boredom has struck again, and this is what it turns into. Random thoughts and somewhat poetry from me. As a good friend once told me, "God gave you those pearly whites to smile," not that i talk to that person anymore i will never forget the thoughts he gave me and the hope that was instilled in my mind. Warm nights and sunny days are my safe haven in this "hell hole of a town" Saint Sunny George. The days get brighter when the nights get longer and the life still struggles on. Differences and situations call for the ordinary to stand out. Recurrence and boredom create my template of art and thought. Now for some less soapbox created writing. Smile.

Ponderosa

 Good morning starshine the earth says hello! Haha I feel like I have been awake for a few hours. I'm laying on a futon in the coolest cabin in zion ponderosa with cj and his family. They are awesome. I'll post some pictures of the tirp when I get home. I think I got sick from boos but since she is the cutest little baby ever i dont mind. Well these past two days have been super fun and i have one left before i go back to real life. i love being up here its helped me with the biggest decision of my life so far.

I was excited.

yeah, cool..not. I don't, I'm at a loss for words. 

Spring Break.

Spring break is not as cool as i thought it would be I'm sick of working in the pharmacy..i really am not liking it. it kind of sucks that i am wasting this much time on something that i don't like at all. Whatever thats how life is lately. 

March 8, 2011.

Love is everywhere, hidden in hope, lust, happiness, hate, deceit, and it never fails. Hope is my way of love. I know without it there would be no reason for life. Nothing would move forward. I love the people and town i am in, but i hope to see other places. I hope to live without regret, though it seems unlikely. Be happy with yourself, it will help in everything you do.

Weekends.

I love my Lins friends! (: Last night we had a girls night and Carson. Me Kim and Carson went and saw take me home tonight. It was so funny, and Carson wanting to go swimming so badly it made me laugh. I am going to church with CJ's family tomorrow it's going to be good. It's kind of weird that CJ won't be there but oh well. I love his family.

Wow.

What to say, what to say. First off i dislike doctors. I do not need medicine and i wish i wouldn't have went there today. I need sleep.

Sincerely, Me.

Smile like you mean it. I've always dreamt of it, believed in it. There will always be a different meaning in my eyes. Always thoughts that most forget. I'm complex when it comes to simple things, think different than others. I feel differently than others, I don't think that anyone will ever understand how things affect me though I wish they could. I blame myself for things that I shouldn't but in the end it all works out. My past seems to be coming back very quickly and my future seems to be blending in as i confuse myself to make it seem right. I don't listen to the advice I have asked for. I know that nothing will make me happy if I don't chose it myself and it may hurt in the end, but I will know that it was what should have happened. Nothing happens without reason. Sometimes the reason is distorted but in time it is clear. I'm not depressed, I am not unhappy. I am simply confused about life, it is the end of high school for me and my friends. When will i see them again? I'm not sure, but i know those that mean something to me will never be forgotten. I feel as if I make no sense but it's me.

I Now Know.

In these next few months nothing is going to turn out how we plan, nothing will be as i hope. It will be like restarting in the fall. Everything probably wont go back to just normal. I hope and pray that it will be the same, but in my heart i know for a fact that things will change. I love him with all my heart, that will never change no matter what happens. I will always want to be with him, Im just afraid that it won't always be that way for him. I was trying so hard for this not to happen, but he is my world he is what I've always wanted and will always be that guy. It scares me to no end, but i know i am going to give this my everything. Thats all i have to say. For advice, there is always something that won't be how you expected, the choice of making it good is up to you.

I wish that you understood one ounce of this. The situation, everything that has happened. 

Anxiety.

Seriously, i think i have some type of issue with this. But, oh well...what can i do about it? I think i just physic myself out sometimes. This is why music and ceramics are my addiction. OH Mountain Dew, this is my new drink. How funny is this, i have hated Dew for about 3 years and now i randomly like it again. Thanks to Carsten (CJ) and Zachary. Maybe i shouldn't drink caffeine. Caffeine doesn't follow the I before E except after C rule! That's annoying. This post sounds like the real me. Not the writing me. My brain is every where today and it is really bugging me.  

hmmph.

i have no idea what to do. everything is flipped upside down..and i don't know how to fix it. i need to get my high school and college done..now.

YOUR LIFE WILL BE HAPPY AND PEACEFUL

Goodness. This is from my fortune cookie. I can never see this happening. It seems quite funny to me. But anyway i hope that it does happen at some point in time. College seems like i will never be peaceful bu i hope that it happens.

February 28, 2011.

First blog. So, i have gone through a lot the past year. i guess this is an introduction to my life as of now. My mom went through bypass surgery in july of 2010 and since then everything has turned upside down. on october 18th my granny passed away, and in november my mom fractured her knee. In the middle of all this, CJ Sagendorf came into my life October 11th was our first date and ever since that its been a crazy, fun story. I have played Xbox every night with the same people for over a year now. and we all buy the same games, we are the biggest dysfunctional family every i love it they make my escape even better. I took the pharamacy technician program offered at DXATC over those six months of crazy and i work at Lins Marketplace. The people that work there create the experience of a life time. They are the kindest smartest people i have met my entire life. I love them. I play the drums and am learning piano again. I am into ceramics. This easter i am going to be in the DSC Art Show. It has been my escape for the stress that is caused by the craziness in my life. i love to learn and learn to love the simplicity of the past and the inception of the future.