Doors.

So the door is closed, it still might hurt when I see his family because they were mine too but I am better off without him.

This was a good experience because I learned more about who I really am and what I like and dislike about myself and others. I want to say this because I think that some people believe that I am unhappy about it because the situation was shitty. But hey not all situations are good.

All I'm getting at is it's a positive ending.

I’m a mess

That's the best way to describe it

Having no time to myself is the only way I can fight it

When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror

Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer

I miss your family and I miss all our friends

If you had it to do over would you do it over again,

Cause I would, this meant something more to me

There's a hole in my heart where you used to be

This is how I have felt for the past two months and seriously I'm done feeling bad about myself and for myself just because I'm better than this ending.

I want to start a new beginning with my friends and family. A new adventure. Maybe find myself in church because I never did, partly leading to the situation I am in now. Maybe do a study abroad program or move to a different part of the country, I truly have no idea but I'm excited to figure out this stuff!

I know more about myself that anyone would begin to fathom, it's a weird thing that I always have. I changed over the past two years with my mom dying and the way people treated me after that (not that it was bad, just awkward). I love the people that know my mom and loved her they are all a support. They understand how great of a woman she was. But I made myself stay away from people because it just hurt so much for the longest time to even be happy without her. Even now there are people that are new friends and they all effect me in a good way and I'm glad to of met them. I don't think I can explain how I feel towards the people who are just nice to me and make me smile on a daily basis. I didn't deal with my emotions for a long time after my mom was gone and seriously now its like water works once a week, especially at work for some odd reason. But I am understanding the extent of how much it truly changed my life and my character.

I know that I love accounting so far, but art is my true passion and I will never fulfill that because it is not realistic. I mean I love it, I can just do anything concerning art for hours and hours, but to me I don't think I would be happy trying to struggle to become a known artist never knowing if it will ever work. I have realized I would rather have the money to do my passions in art than struggle to keep that passion in my life and accounting is how it will get done.

Sorry there are so many I's in this post but tonight was just one of those times when the light bulb got flipped on, instead of the dimmers slowly turning up.

Decisions,

Do I save money for a brand new car or do I save money to go to Europe, well that is the question. and that is the end of my post haha.

AVA

So I don't know if I have ever explained where I got the title of my blog from..

The reason I started this blog at first was because I always have a way to access this, through phone or computer 24/7. The name of the blog was because of the CD Love by Angels & Airwaves. You here people say oh that band changed my life blah blah blah, but truly this cd and lyrics have changed me for the better, well all their cd's have.

Tom Delonge is the reason I want to learn about anything and everything. The lyrics and the meaning of Start the Machine (DVD) gave me what I needed for my attitude toward college. Not to mention if I lose control of my emotions I just pull up any song from this band and listen to the pure genius of wonderful musicians. Sometimes I wish that I thought I could succeed in the industry but then I remember that not many actually do. Some people don't even give this band a chance because they are out of the norm but they really should it's nothing like Blink.

Over the past two years every song from these guys have meant something in a time when I thought there was no purpose for me to be here but then I think everyone has a purpose, I just haven't discovered mine yet, or realized it.

I sometimes literally laugh at the meaning I can get out of these lyrics because I am usually thinking that everything sucks when I listen to them, and then I hear something like I'm running from the truth cause it fucks with my mind and I think oh man that's exactly what I do and it never works. It's insane how this stuff realtes to me in certain times of my life, well most times. Sometimes I'm just sitting in the car and I start crying because something means so much to me and reminds me of my mom.

Sometimes I just am happy from the music because it makes me think of the people that are always there for me. You know my friendships are different than most, I believe that anyway, I hope for that because I want those people to believe I care, because I really do care, probably more than anyone can ever imagine or begin to believe. It's kinda funny that we all make mistakes and people should have a lifeline for those mistakes they make, I believe in second chances, sometimes many more than seconds, and sometimes it should only be one, but I like to believe in the good that the person has shown in the past rather than the mistakes. I think that is where I am the most misunderstood because truthfully some people have treated me like shit, you know actually worse than that, but I seem to always give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's all weird I know but it's the truth. Some people believe I'm to generous and nice to others that may or may not take advantage of my kindness, but it's how I am because of the theme of love. We have this life to show what we are truly made of and I want to be a good person.

Do what you like and do it honestly,
and here we go life's waiting to begin.

It's a good ending to another beginning.

Happenings.

So as I keep thinking to myself what happened, I realize that life happened.

School is what is happening and work. These things are freaking time consuming. Some of my favorite people in the whole world are the ones I work with or met from work. So this is my tribute to them love you Lin's family!

I think that I'm growing up now. My dad and Kylah (my niece) are the two people that keep me going and so happy. I seem to forget how important my family is to me and then something happens that makes me realize again that I don't know where I would be without them.

As one story ends another begins and it always seems to come with loss over the past 2 years I have lost three important people to me and now a fourth is leaving to a better place. I don't think that anything will ever lighten this load but I think that it will be easier to bare the burden as time goes on.

Life As We Know It.

So here it goes. Life changes as quickly as a blink of an eye. I lost every thing I knew this past weekend and truthfully the last few days were horrible, but last night I was reading and thinking to myself, (some people told me this) life moves on and if you don't move with it, you will be left behind. I think that I was going to be left behind this last week, well I am behind in homework and school but that can be caught up, what I am trying to say is that I now realize that things happen for a reason even if I never know the reason, I know that to move forward from it is the best answer.

It's never easy to lose your best friend but sometimes they weren't supposed to be your best friend in the first place. I realize now after talking to CJ that I was never number one and truthfully that is not the type of relationship I want to be in again. I love him with all my heart but he is right it will never work because we want different things.

I feel like I was the problem at times but then I remember it wasn't me it just wasn't how it was meant to be. It still hurts but now I know in time I will be ok with it. as people talk about their ex boyfriends or girlfriends it seems that most are hostile but I don't have a reason to be and I think that is why it hurts that he won't talk to me at all. I understand why not though.

By looking at this as a good thing it makes it easier, I wish easy enough but of course not. It was two years of my life that was happiness with CJ. Of course it will be hard I know that. It is sad that it has changed so much but in the end it will work out or it's not the end. I think that I may be a little lost for a while but I will find my way again and I think that this is a good quote to end on and I am going to try and spread my light through both ways.

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton

Rainmaker

Worest day in a really long time. I cannot deal with my grandma when all I do is wrong I am done my dog digs and there was a hole she said we didn't need to fill because of the construction. Now her house was flooding this morning and she freaked out like most people would. But then she. Blamed it on me and cj when it's no ones real fault, I'm just so sick of being blamed for something that is out of my hand. Right now I hate the rain. End of story happy day.

Things.

I don't like when people become an irreplaceable part in my life and they take me for granted. It feels like a thousand little needles poking out of your eye, or losing weight and someone asking if you are pregnant. (never happened just the thought lol) That is how I tend to feel when people begin to use me and don't even realize it. I have a hard time with it because it is usually someone I love and I usually don't know what to do other than remove them kindly from my life, but in this case I think I would rather die.