1984

"In universal times of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." -- George Orwell

When I don't know what to do, I tend to turn to this quote. Even if my problem as nothing to do with it as in missing my mother or stress from school, I think what can be worse? When people lie to me I have a hard time trusting them ever again. On the rare occasion that I fall in love I have a hard time not trusting that person, especially CJ. I love him with all my heart.

The point is that this world is filled with lies and when you find something so pure as love embrace it for all it is worth and make sure that the person you love knows it. Every chance you get, tell them.

Life.

All I want is to be happy, but guess what, I'm not sure where to go from here. Yesterday was probably the worst day in a while i somehow failed my psychology test after the fact that I studied for over 4 hours..yeah good story. I'm sort of at a loss now and it is a little discouraging to work so hard for something and truthfully I wish I could just give up. Although I know I can't do that. Thinking this over makes me wonder what I really want to do anymore. It's like I can excel in all the degree specific classes but I can't do anything in the general classes right. I'm just a little lost and don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure that the situation I'm in is good or not or if I will be happy in the end. I just want things to be stable in life, and it seems I can't figure out what makes me feel that way.

It's About Time.

When I am alone all day I get to think a lot. Every Monday it seems that I go through this little battle in my head of what I need to do and what I need to change in my life. Sometimes I end up loosing the fight and have some anxiety by the end of the night and other times, like today I get my head straight. I am trying to focus more on school and it's working lately. As the semester is quickly going by, the tests are getting harder, but the studying is easier.

 I Miss my cousin Sierra and my brother Zachary Grant. Those two people have helped make me the person I am today and I never get to see them anymore. I wish they were here at dixie. It seems that we are all growing up so quickly that we can't create those memories of riding in the car with too many people and blasting the music so loud that no one can hear when we get out anymore. I miss those days and those people.

Yesterday was a great day, CJ and I went to Gunlock and played in the river for a couple of hours with the puppy. It was super fun I learned how to skip rocks better (This is CJ's rock) and all in all everything was awesome there. It was CJ's birthday this week! Happy 20th! He seems to think he is getting old. But guess what, I'm 20 this year too. I don't mind it I like having the responsibility...sometimes. Sometimes it's a little more stressful than I care for, but I realize it's part of growing up.

When I think of spending time with my boyfriend it makes me all giddy still, yes, I'm still that girl that talks about him like we're in high school. But more seriously he can help me through anything and lately he has really proved that. With my high anxiety and mood swings of late he has been there through it all. I would seriously like to thank him and the other people who have helped me through the past year and a half. It means a lot to me, you know who you are, Lins family. 

Hugs and Kisses. Miss you Mommy

Liana Dawn Gardella.

"The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"

It seems I can write about anything but the school work I am assigned.

I think that the situation has gotten worse since I started my second semester and I'm also sick and not getting better. It's like every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel it starts to fade again.

Maybe if he acted like he was proud of me I just might believe in myself. Maybe if he didn't act like everything I do isn't good enough I would be happy with what I'm doing, but truthfully it makes me want to do just the opposite of what my dad thinks I need to be studying, and for more truth, Ceramics is what I  am and will always be interested in, even if it gets me no where in life, it makes me happy.

How are you supposed to be happy when the one person you hope to make proud will never be proud? It's that void where you can't control what is missing but it will never come back. This would be why I have such a hard time with my mom being gone at times, like today. She always went out of her way to tell me she that I was doing good, and it will never be the same if anyone else tries to tell me how proud they are, simply it helps, except it isn't from the person I am trying so hard for, but will never be good enough.

Well maybe it isn't true, but that's how I feel. If there are so many people who say he's proud of me, why  can't he say one good thing to me himself? Why is it all I hear is, "You need to get rid of those pots they take up too much room" or "Why didn't you get a better grade than that?"

Anyway, great day as you can tell I just got pushed over the edge again. I had to put it somewhere and I don't think too many people read this regularly if I don't post it on Facebook.

Timeless

A simple response, in time, in time it will get better, in time it will be different. This time has done nothing but hurt. people tell me they are there for me and truthfully I'm glad. But when it comes to the one I am want to talk to I know that it is hopeless. Tonight has made it more clear than any other that what I want in certain relationships will never work, and not because of me. Truthfully it hurts to think about it sitting here typing this, I know that what I have been trying so hard to create is nothing on the other side and it just plain kills me inside.

December seems to be that month this year that basically nothing went right but nothing went wrong at the same time. My worst fear is here it surrounds me daily and it will never go away. I am missing the one person in my life I could talk to, my mom. Before everything happened and before she was so sick I didn't talk to her, I wasn't close to her. I beat myself up for that I can promise you that. If there is anything people get out of my blog is that your parents, adopted, birth, foster, whatever they are to you, they are irreplaceable. They love you unconditionally, let them be your friend, talk to them, laugh, enjoy their company, you never know when you won't have them to laugh with about how your dogs are trouble makers and look out for each other by letting the gimpy one out of the laundry room in the middle of the night anymore. I don't think that anyone will quite understand what I am trying to say until it happens no matter the age. Maybe I just didn't have the chance to grow up and like my parents before it all happened. Just get over it though before it's too late.

I, I will not surrender.
No I, I will not surrender

It seems that no matter the situation I've found some lyric or song that has made me realize it will never be the end because I want it to be, it's not up to me.

School is starting for me on Tuesday again, college, what more can I say about that, I didn't do great my first semester but I only have to retake one class, Math 1100 Business Calculus. It was a little interesting because the grades I got weren't awesome. But my dad, he said he understood. He's been through it. His mom died when he was 19 he failed classes, so I did better than he thought I would. You know, he has been the greatest dad I could ever ask for. I might not always agree with him or get along with him but he is always there even if I mess up.I love him.

Need i say anything about my wonderful boyfriend. Yeah we go through hard times, rough patches and confusion but he has always been there. Maybe not in the way everyone expected him to be but in a way that I needed him to be. I needed someone to be normal around me and he was, and is. I thank him for that too. I'm not sure what i would have done, because it seemed that I was alone, no one knew what to say or how to talk to me.

I feel like this post seems like I am giving up, but in contrary I have realized yet again that there are people that will always be there, many I have not mentioned, but if you are reading this far down, you are one of them and know who you are haha. I am ready to start this new semester and new year, for the better. I have the desire to change the way I think when I lose all hope and I know that I can. People aren't here for nothing, every person I've been in contact with or met in my life are there for a purpose, though I may never know what it is, I know that they have helped me grow or learn something that has helped me get to where I am now.

This Season.

How can someone mean so much to you and you can't even carry a conversation with them anymore? All I want to do is run up to him and hug him and cry because I just can't handle not having my mom around anymore especially right now, this close to Christmas, and truthfully he was the reason I could handle nights like this. She is supposed to be here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Christmas is supposed to be the happiest holiday, I think it is going to be the worst. It's like I'm missing half of me. It's like every other day I'm ok and then it's horrible. It's like I'm reliving that day and truthfully I don't even remember most of it just a lot of people and trying not to believe it was real that I would wake up from the nightmare, that my sister never came to my room to wake me up and tell me. It's like this spinning world is moving faster and faster but I'm not going anywhere and I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess this whole mood could be because of the stress of finals, but truthfully I just think it's getting to me tonight. I'm trying but sometimes I just want to sit in my bed all day and night. I think its enough of my depressive mood.

Just to take things slowly is what I need to remember. People keep saying time heals and truthfully for me it hasn't, not one bit. I just hope that time will heal this open wound but I'm starting to doubt it.

Even though I think Christmas is going to be horrible, I hope it isn't.
Merry Christmas people. You guys know that even your smiles and those funny conversations I have with you all help me through the day.

You know ceramics is what I miss. It might be part of the problem. It's just a good thing that I decided to do what I wanted to do, not my dad, and signed up for the advanced class for spring.

FRIENDS!

I'll be there for you, cause your there for me too!

I love friends everyone. You should go watch every season, or watch it with me! It reminds me of 6th grade and Zachary Grant Bess watching friends at his old house. Well I hope other people think about random stuff like that haha.

Saturday was successful I went to the downtown farmers market and sold a few pots! Also got my Gma her christmas gift! One down millions to go. Oh and I'm still shaking  from being cold lovely I know!

Christmas. So one of the best holidays and I'm dreading it. No need, correct? Wrong. I'm motherless. I don't know what to do. It seems like the people I do call mother will always be there for me, but in the end they aren't my mom. I love them to death, but it's not the same. I just want things to be normal around my house, I'm trying my dad's trying Kylah is the only one who doesn't understand and I wish I could just be like her sometimes, the innocent child that thinks Granny and Grandma Terry are in the clouds and will be back soon. I can at the least say my life is better because of them but I know I did not get to spend enough time with either.

Grabbed it by the horns,

Thrown off more than once,

Experience makes the difference.

Cherish the small things

sweat the big stuff,

enjoy what is not sought by others.

thoughts and words strung together,

the hope lies in the middle

tasteless tragedy lingers in the distance.

So this is an ongoing post of 3 days now, so it seems sporadic sorry and I never finished my thoughts last night I got distracted, oh well haha sounds like me.  Well to end on a good note finals this week! I'm actually excited for all of them but Math lol. The first semester of college flew past me and I've learned more from the people around me than the books. Look on the bright side or life.