This is what is happening.

Here we go!

So it has been one year to the day, I don't think that my sister or cousin sierra realize but when it's exactly a week after me and CJ's anniversary... My Granny is the greatest lady I have had the privilege to know. I miss her immensely. You ask, why is she blogging about this, well this is my intro to my random thought/poem things I like to write.

Happiness is not what is hoped for,
Love is what we have,
Normalcy is what I need.

Nothing is the same,
There's nothing we can do.

What is going on,
Who thought that this would happen,
Where does life go from here.

So many questions left unanswered,
No help from you.

Running past me,
Time is gone,
Stealing all that was close.

One year, Six months,
Which is worse?

Oh no..maybe I'll finish this after class, at home. Or maybe it is done.

Just a short snippet of my thoughts today. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this still. I've found that in the end crying does nothing, but sometimes it makes me think it helps. I need to think about the happy times I have created with the people that are gone now.

Update!

Okay Liana needs to post some pictures! This has been the biggest roller coaster of the last 3 weeks! Too much stuff has been going on for me to even think. By the end of this blog you will know! Haha So just as a side note my dog is awesome! Me and cj have been dating for over a year now and it's freaking awesome. I seriously cant believe that it's been this long. But truthfully it has been the best year of my life. Ok so in the last weeks I have been to park city for the best bagger competition. Yeah I didn't win but it was a good time. Gears of war 3 came out and it's about the best game I've played in a long time. Ok so that was a spillage of words.

Best bagger: ok well here goes I got to go to park city again we stayed at the chetuex (I think that's how you spell it?) the competition was the day we got there and it was pretty cool I thought I was going to place, but I didn't. The room was awesome other than the fact that I couldn't sleep. The next day we went to the university mall I got to go to forever21 and spend money and eat at chick-fil-a haha it was awesome I made cj jealous because its his favorite.

Gears of war 3: I am a nerd. End of story it is the greatest campaign ever!

Anniversary: yesterday was awesome! Me and cj have been dating for a year now! It makes me happy to think that it's been over a year and that we have made it through the summer of him working for Vivint and being across the country. (which by the way was killing me) I'm just glad he understands me and all the problems I've had with my mom being gone and everything and he just knows how to fix things hah I'm in love sorry I'm going on about it but I could go one forever about our relationship and how all the random little things make me happy. Well yesterday was what I was supposed to be talking about. So I got to hang out with cj all day yesterday and it was haha pretty normal which is what made it 100 times better. I know I sound so weird right? But that's all I've been asking for since may is just things to feel normal and for once yesterday it was good. I know it won't ever be completely normal but it was as normal as it will ever be yesterday haha I took a nap while cj played black ops, we got dinner at Honolulu Grill (highly recommend it) we went to the corn maze and stopped by ice berg before we went to his parents to drop off the rest of our chocolate banana shake haha. Course his dad is obsessed with ice cream.

 My freakin dog! Rosco is insane! I'll edit this next time I get on my computer so everyone can see all the stuff that has been going on and what not but I think for now this is all I have to say maybe later today I'll actually write not just update y'all I love you.

Thoughtlessness.

The first time I realized this,
It's going to be ok,

The first time I fell asleep,
numb and useless,
I don't need hope.

Never letting go,
Never giving up,
Always keeping close.

My thoughts change with the wind
Timeless presence
Inevitably coming to a close,
Things changed.

For better or worse,
There's nothing I can do,
Creating my own path
Judging myself too harshly.

Hoping for the approval,
Never receiving the praise.
Down and down,
Not good enough.

Who cares about it,
I will be me,
It's not up to you,
Hope you understand.

Music.

I would have to say without a doubt, Rise Against is one of the only bands I can think of that sings with emotion anymore. Yes I know there are more, but they are the band that writes what they want not what the world wants to hear. Lately I've noticed that people these days don't care what makes themselves happy but what others think will make them happy.

Today is one of those days. I have to register my jeep again, and who's name is on the title, my moms. It sounds stupid but it is so hard to get rid of one more thing that she is tied to.

I am pretty sure I aced my math 1100 test today woo! But school is insane, I know I wasn't ready for it but hey too late now I dove head first with 16 credits.By this time next year I hope to be applied for my associates, which will be awesome.

I want to be moved out on my own by January, I am ready for it, I hope. I just know the memories, although they are great, hurt too much living in this house right now. I love my dad we don't get along nor have we ever, really, and I know it is making this so much harder for me but I am trying.

Slow Decay.

The life being sucked out of me,
through days and months,
emotions worn to nothing.

The slow decay was disguised,
frail frames broken so easily
nothing to support them.
beams of trust sawed through
I'm left behind.

The hurt is inconceivable,
tearing me apart from the inside,
I'm at a loss.

like ripping the bandaid off,
but the sting won't leave,
the wound is fresh.

All I want is one last conversation. I know it would leave me wanting more but there are certain things I just want to ask my mom but I know I will never know the answer to them now. I want it to all be normal again but it never will be. Two days, thats all she talked about and she just needed two more days until my graduation.

Nights, what can I say this is what it does to me now. I miss my best friend, it's my own fault, but I miss him all the same. That weird line of I know it had to be done, but I miss the conversation.

I went from May 27. to July 4th ignoring the fact that I was being eaten alive. Everything has slowly hit me and now I am truly wondering if I can handle  this like I thought I could, in fact I know I can't. This is now why i turn to this blog, and CJ to help me with everything and truly I feel horrible for dumping all my depressed emotions on him, and its just not me. I wish he knew how much he means to me and that he really does help. I just hope that I can heal enough before I hurt me and his relationship that is what truly scares me.

Frustration.

hmmph. I seriously feel like a loser right now. I need to go do something fun or something with Kali and Kear. I just need to be cheered up.

So i feel like I need to move because I cant stand being in my house anymore. There are so many things that hurt here. I'm over all the problems that I have to deal with and all the stupid things that keep happening.

I just am done with it. I have no words.

Off Topic

But reason I started this post today, CJ is the worst at driving an automatic now lol. He slamed on the breaks twice yesterday the first time I almost hit the windshield it was so freaking funny. He is so used to his clutch that he kept using the breaks for it. We went and got cupshakes for my birthday at The Sweet Tooth Fairy which were way good..but way too rich. Oh and when we got home I did better in Black Ops than he did!! (: That made me happy.

So, I'm thinking I really want to move to Salt Lake or somewhere close up there. I can't decide if I want to stay here to get my degree or what idk...but we'll see.