30ish Things That Are On My Mind.

1. I will tell you the truth about myself if I think you deserve it.

2. DON'T lie to me and let me find out.

3. I respect everyone until they do not respect me.

4. I trust NO ONE until they give me a reason to.

5. You will NEVER know everything about me.

6. Don't expect me to openly tell you things, you have to ask.

7. I'm thinking it for a reason.

8. Motivation is the only reason I'm still in school.

9. I want to have that car everyone stops and looks at, hence the motivation.

10. Art is my passion.

11. I write because I can't express my feelings otherwise.

12. I hate people who are pessimistic little bitches.

13. I still complain.

14. I use the word I too much.

15. Other people's happiness is what I live for.

16. I miss my Mother 24/7 if you can't deal with it get out of my life. Now.

17. I think I'm a bitch. Which in truth, I am to some.

18. I couldn't care less about what you think, other than my car.

19. I use clothing and shoes as my release for all the frustrations of life.

20. I believe in God.

21. I struggle with the idea of forever.

22. Fake people, need I say more.

23. I love Saint George, but have issues with memories here.

24. Music changes my mood easily.

25. I make choices that are stupid.

26. If you don't let me do what I want i.e. choices, you won't be in my life for long.

27. You cannot force me to do anything, even if you think you did.

28. I can be influenced.

29. Xbox helps.

30. I'm a happy person, despite the looks of this list.

31. I wish I trusted easier.

32. I like to believe I read people easily.

33. People I care about see my emotions, unedited.

Sundays

Sometimes I need to be alone, and today is that sometimes.

I have these terrible feelings today. All I want is to talk to my best friend, because I don't know what I am supposed to do. I want to become a pharmacist. I don't believe I can though. It sounds stupid but I don't know if I have enough personal drive or even confidence..

Sometimes I post these things hoping that no one will read and this time I hope no one does because I don't like feeling vulnerable.  This makes me feel vulnerable. This whole blog does. Thats why I write it. I want to get over the problems I have with myself which include not being able to say things about my feelings to anyone.

I don't know how to feel good about the decisions I make anymore. I really just think that there is a better decision and I have this thing where I can't make a decision because of that feeling that there is something better that I could choose but just don't see at the time. I'm happy in the moment but when I look at my past experiences I just worry I missed something. I hate this worry that I always have it's non stop and sometimes it controls my every action.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm broken and I hate that. I get so frustrated about it. Its like a never ending cycle because then it makes me mad because I'm frustrated and I am trying so hard to control my emotions better since my mom died and this is making it so much harder.

I just want to forget everything sometimes.

Botan and Dew.

I've never met people like the people in my life now. You know how people remind you of old friends or other acquaintances, well these people, they are, for lack of better words, the cream of the crop and I don't think there is anyone more genuine out there than them. The funny thing is that they have been hiding right under my nose for a long while. I know for sure that things happen for a reason, and there was a reason I met everyone when I did.

I'm seriously happier than I've been since before June 13, 2010. I knew then that my life wasn't right, but I had no idea the changes I myself had to make, were so small compared to feelings I had for the people that had to leave.

It's crazy how things can take a long time to change, but when they actually change, it's quicker than a blink of an eye.

I used to play Xbox because it was always better than real life. I still play but not for that reason anymore. My homework has gotten the better of me lately so I don't play often but I still love it. It is kinda weird how it has changed, I used to rely on it to make me happy and those people on Xbox got that. As of late, I just think that it was never helpful because I wasn't actually growing from it, just digging a deeper hole to hide my emotions in. I was starting to notice because I had ginormous mood swings that were progressively getting worse. Not to say that those people made it worse, they were always helpful. There are of course other factors that went into that but it was a big part of why it wasn't getting better ever.

I just think that "Things have change for me, and that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way."


In other news ADTR came out with their new album last night, it's amazing. The kiln was fired yesterday and I'm excited to see my bowl for TS and tea pot that were in there. My pup is sicker than sick, and I'm really worried about him. He's actually acting sick which is why it scares me. It's that best friends connection that makes me notice and that's exactly what he is.

Even if I have no idea what I really want to do in life I have 2 years to figure out my future off of this general direction of accounting. DEA is still my #1 I am going to start taking steps for that sooner than later and I am excited for what's to come concerning that and other life decisions. The most comforting thing about this is the feeling of security and encouragement I have now.

.....?

I cannot wait for fall break the 10th and 11th. I have so much homework that I am expecting that tomorrow I will be doing it for at least 6 hours, considering I have not done homework in about 5 days also..I know I'm bad.

I am actually doing homework as I type this, in a different class than the homework is for..

I had such a good weekend with great people. Sometimes I forget that there are some really amazing people in this world that care a lot more than the average person, about people they barely know. I got some good advice and would like to give it to you in a round about way, don't settle for anyone, ever. Even if you think that person is eh good enough, good enough is not GOOD enough. You want better than you ever thought, at least that's how I think. That's how I took the conversation, there are people I care about that I know settled and in truth I wish I could smack them in the face and wake their asses up to tell them to get out of that. I mean hell that's what they have done to me and it helped me, I just can't get into other people's business like that, I wish sometimes.

Anyway my big point is find someone that makes you smile uncontrollably. That sings music for you to dance to when there is none. Someone who will make a fool of themselves with you. That is where you will find true happiness.

I seriously need to hash this out today. The last couple weeks have sucked in the department of knowing what I want to do. One day I want to be a DEA agent the next I wanna be a potter, then the next a pharmacist...can I just be them all at the same time?! The only thing I know for sure is that I am going to minor in math a keep my major as accounting..I will finish that no matter what I love accounting..then maybe pre reqs for pharmacy if I still haven't decided after 2 years.. maybe I'll just go to school forever. I totally wish I could do my homework as well as I write in this blog..I can get through any distraction on this thing.

I also wish I wasn't so spastic lately with homework and what not.