Thoughtlessness.

The first time I realized this,
It's going to be ok,

The first time I fell asleep,
numb and useless,
I don't need hope.

Never letting go,
Never giving up,
Always keeping close.

My thoughts change with the wind
Timeless presence
Inevitably coming to a close,
Things changed.

For better or worse,
There's nothing I can do,
Creating my own path
Judging myself too harshly.

Hoping for the approval,
Never receiving the praise.
Down and down,
Not good enough.

Who cares about it,
I will be me,
It's not up to you,
Hope you understand.

Music.

I would have to say without a doubt, Rise Against is one of the only bands I can think of that sings with emotion anymore. Yes I know there are more, but they are the band that writes what they want not what the world wants to hear. Lately I've noticed that people these days don't care what makes themselves happy but what others think will make them happy.

Today is one of those days. I have to register my jeep again, and who's name is on the title, my moms. It sounds stupid but it is so hard to get rid of one more thing that she is tied to.

I am pretty sure I aced my math 1100 test today woo! But school is insane, I know I wasn't ready for it but hey too late now I dove head first with 16 credits.By this time next year I hope to be applied for my associates, which will be awesome.

I want to be moved out on my own by January, I am ready for it, I hope. I just know the memories, although they are great, hurt too much living in this house right now. I love my dad we don't get along nor have we ever, really, and I know it is making this so much harder for me but I am trying.

Slow Decay.

The life being sucked out of me,
through days and months,
emotions worn to nothing.

The slow decay was disguised,
frail frames broken so easily
nothing to support them.
beams of trust sawed through
I'm left behind.

The hurt is inconceivable,
tearing me apart from the inside,
I'm at a loss.

like ripping the bandaid off,
but the sting won't leave,
the wound is fresh.

All I want is one last conversation. I know it would leave me wanting more but there are certain things I just want to ask my mom but I know I will never know the answer to them now. I want it to all be normal again but it never will be. Two days, thats all she talked about and she just needed two more days until my graduation.

Nights, what can I say this is what it does to me now. I miss my best friend, it's my own fault, but I miss him all the same. That weird line of I know it had to be done, but I miss the conversation.

I went from May 27. to July 4th ignoring the fact that I was being eaten alive. Everything has slowly hit me and now I am truly wondering if I can handle  this like I thought I could, in fact I know I can't. This is now why i turn to this blog, and CJ to help me with everything and truly I feel horrible for dumping all my depressed emotions on him, and its just not me. I wish he knew how much he means to me and that he really does help. I just hope that I can heal enough before I hurt me and his relationship that is what truly scares me.

Frustration.

hmmph. I seriously feel like a loser right now. I need to go do something fun or something with Kali and Kear. I just need to be cheered up.

So i feel like I need to move because I cant stand being in my house anymore. There are so many things that hurt here. I'm over all the problems that I have to deal with and all the stupid things that keep happening.

I just am done with it. I have no words.

Off Topic

But reason I started this post today, CJ is the worst at driving an automatic now lol. He slamed on the breaks twice yesterday the first time I almost hit the windshield it was so freaking funny. He is so used to his clutch that he kept using the breaks for it. We went and got cupshakes for my birthday at The Sweet Tooth Fairy which were way good..but way too rich. Oh and when we got home I did better in Black Ops than he did!! (: That made me happy.

So, I'm thinking I really want to move to Salt Lake or somewhere close up there. I can't decide if I want to stay here to get my degree or what idk...but we'll see.

The Labor Day Weekend.

WARNING- Long blog coming.

This has been the best birthday weekend ever. That could be the end of my story, but it's just the beginning.

FRIDAY: This was the day we left to Salt Lake (CJ, Zach Jensen, and I). The first thing we did was stop and see the crazy huge house that over looks the Draper Temple, amazingly beautiful temple by the way. By the time we got to sleep it was close to midnight.

SATURDAY: Okay best day ever. Me and CJ went to temple square and the convention center and also went shopping. YES CJ went shopping (: hehe that is how I know he loves me. He HATES shopping. It was very cute though. He even picked out a shirt that I actually really like (: anyways we went to Chick-fil-a!! yum!! That is my favorite place to eat. Then we went to BLINK-182!!

I love it. This was the best concert I have ever been to thanks to CJ Sagendorf i love him with all my heart and i know that he would do anything for me. It was awesome. I can't even explain it.

SUNDAY:

What more can i say AFRO duck and CJ. Also before this we went to Harrisville I love that town. I want to live there for real. We ate at PF Changs because ABC Mandrin was closed which was disapointing. I got to hang out with Bri and Cameron too.

MONDAY: Drive home and pit stop to see Addie I love that little doll. And home. Oh wait millions of facebook posts saying happy birthday mostly from people that I have maybe talked to once in my life i think it is kinda weird. Anyway night to all. I'm tired.