Doors.

So the door is closed, it still might hurt when I see his family because they were mine too but I am better off without him.

This was a good experience because I learned more about who I really am and what I like and dislike about myself and others. I want to say this because I think that some people believe that I am unhappy about it because the situation was shitty. But hey not all situations are good.

All I'm getting at is it's a positive ending.

I’m a mess

That's the best way to describe it

Having no time to myself is the only way I can fight it

When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror

Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer

I miss your family and I miss all our friends

If you had it to do over would you do it over again,

Cause I would, this meant something more to me

There's a hole in my heart where you used to be

This is how I have felt for the past two months and seriously I'm done feeling bad about myself and for myself just because I'm better than this ending.

I want to start a new beginning with my friends and family. A new adventure. Maybe find myself in church because I never did, partly leading to the situation I am in now. Maybe do a study abroad program or move to a different part of the country, I truly have no idea but I'm excited to figure out this stuff!

I know more about myself that anyone would begin to fathom, it's a weird thing that I always have. I changed over the past two years with my mom dying and the way people treated me after that (not that it was bad, just awkward). I love the people that know my mom and loved her they are all a support. They understand how great of a woman she was. But I made myself stay away from people because it just hurt so much for the longest time to even be happy without her. Even now there are people that are new friends and they all effect me in a good way and I'm glad to of met them. I don't think I can explain how I feel towards the people who are just nice to me and make me smile on a daily basis. I didn't deal with my emotions for a long time after my mom was gone and seriously now its like water works once a week, especially at work for some odd reason. But I am understanding the extent of how much it truly changed my life and my character.

I know that I love accounting so far, but art is my true passion and I will never fulfill that because it is not realistic. I mean I love it, I can just do anything concerning art for hours and hours, but to me I don't think I would be happy trying to struggle to become a known artist never knowing if it will ever work. I have realized I would rather have the money to do my passions in art than struggle to keep that passion in my life and accounting is how it will get done.

Sorry there are so many I's in this post but tonight was just one of those times when the light bulb got flipped on, instead of the dimmers slowly turning up.

Decisions,

Do I save money for a brand new car or do I save money to go to Europe, well that is the question. and that is the end of my post haha.

AVA

So I don't know if I have ever explained where I got the title of my blog from..

The reason I started this blog at first was because I always have a way to access this, through phone or computer 24/7. The name of the blog was because of the CD Love by Angels & Airwaves. You here people say oh that band changed my life blah blah blah, but truly this cd and lyrics have changed me for the better, well all their cd's have.

Tom Delonge is the reason I want to learn about anything and everything. The lyrics and the meaning of Start the Machine (DVD) gave me what I needed for my attitude toward college. Not to mention if I lose control of my emotions I just pull up any song from this band and listen to the pure genius of wonderful musicians. Sometimes I wish that I thought I could succeed in the industry but then I remember that not many actually do. Some people don't even give this band a chance because they are out of the norm but they really should it's nothing like Blink.

Over the past two years every song from these guys have meant something in a time when I thought there was no purpose for me to be here but then I think everyone has a purpose, I just haven't discovered mine yet, or realized it.

I sometimes literally laugh at the meaning I can get out of these lyrics because I am usually thinking that everything sucks when I listen to them, and then I hear something like I'm running from the truth cause it fucks with my mind and I think oh man that's exactly what I do and it never works. It's insane how this stuff realtes to me in certain times of my life, well most times. Sometimes I'm just sitting in the car and I start crying because something means so much to me and reminds me of my mom.

Sometimes I just am happy from the music because it makes me think of the people that are always there for me. You know my friendships are different than most, I believe that anyway, I hope for that because I want those people to believe I care, because I really do care, probably more than anyone can ever imagine or begin to believe. It's kinda funny that we all make mistakes and people should have a lifeline for those mistakes they make, I believe in second chances, sometimes many more than seconds, and sometimes it should only be one, but I like to believe in the good that the person has shown in the past rather than the mistakes. I think that is where I am the most misunderstood because truthfully some people have treated me like shit, you know actually worse than that, but I seem to always give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's all weird I know but it's the truth. Some people believe I'm to generous and nice to others that may or may not take advantage of my kindness, but it's how I am because of the theme of love. We have this life to show what we are truly made of and I want to be a good person.

Do what you like and do it honestly,
and here we go life's waiting to begin.

It's a good ending to another beginning.