Ponderosa

 Good morning starshine the earth says hello! Haha I feel like I have been awake for a few hours. I'm laying on a futon in the coolest cabin in zion ponderosa with cj and his family. They are awesome. I'll post some pictures of the tirp when I get home. I think I got sick from boos but since she is the cutest little baby ever i dont mind. Well these past two days have been super fun and i have one left before i go back to real life. i love being up here its helped me with the biggest decision of my life so far.

I was excited.

yeah, cool..not. I don't, I'm at a loss for words. 

Spring Break.

Spring break is not as cool as i thought it would be I'm sick of working in the pharmacy..i really am not liking it. it kind of sucks that i am wasting this much time on something that i don't like at all. Whatever thats how life is lately. 

March 8, 2011.

Love is everywhere, hidden in hope, lust, happiness, hate, deceit, and it never fails. Hope is my way of love. I know without it there would be no reason for life. Nothing would move forward. I love the people and town i am in, but i hope to see other places. I hope to live without regret, though it seems unlikely. Be happy with yourself, it will help in everything you do.

Weekends.

I love my Lins friends! (: Last night we had a girls night and Carson. Me Kim and Carson went and saw take me home tonight. It was so funny, and Carson wanting to go swimming so badly it made me laugh. I am going to church with CJ's family tomorrow it's going to be good. It's kind of weird that CJ won't be there but oh well. I love his family.

Wow.

What to say, what to say. First off i dislike doctors. I do not need medicine and i wish i wouldn't have went there today. I need sleep.

Sincerely, Me.

Smile like you mean it. I've always dreamt of it, believed in it. There will always be a different meaning in my eyes. Always thoughts that most forget. I'm complex when it comes to simple things, think different than others. I feel differently than others, I don't think that anyone will ever understand how things affect me though I wish they could. I blame myself for things that I shouldn't but in the end it all works out. My past seems to be coming back very quickly and my future seems to be blending in as i confuse myself to make it seem right. I don't listen to the advice I have asked for. I know that nothing will make me happy if I don't chose it myself and it may hurt in the end, but I will know that it was what should have happened. Nothing happens without reason. Sometimes the reason is distorted but in time it is clear. I'm not depressed, I am not unhappy. I am simply confused about life, it is the end of high school for me and my friends. When will i see them again? I'm not sure, but i know those that mean something to me will never be forgotten. I feel as if I make no sense but it's me.

I Now Know.

In these next few months nothing is going to turn out how we plan, nothing will be as i hope. It will be like restarting in the fall. Everything probably wont go back to just normal. I hope and pray that it will be the same, but in my heart i know for a fact that things will change. I love him with all my heart, that will never change no matter what happens. I will always want to be with him, Im just afraid that it won't always be that way for him. I was trying so hard for this not to happen, but he is my world he is what I've always wanted and will always be that guy. It scares me to no end, but i know i am going to give this my everything. Thats all i have to say. For advice, there is always something that won't be how you expected, the choice of making it good is up to you.

I wish that you understood one ounce of this. The situation, everything that has happened. 

Anxiety.

Seriously, i think i have some type of issue with this. But, oh well...what can i do about it? I think i just physic myself out sometimes. This is why music and ceramics are my addiction. OH Mountain Dew, this is my new drink. How funny is this, i have hated Dew for about 3 years and now i randomly like it again. Thanks to Carsten (CJ) and Zachary. Maybe i shouldn't drink caffeine. Caffeine doesn't follow the I before E except after C rule! That's annoying. This post sounds like the real me. Not the writing me. My brain is every where today and it is really bugging me.  

hmmph.

i have no idea what to do. everything is flipped upside down..and i don't know how to fix it. i need to get my high school and college done..now.