DEA

Okay seriously I've never met someone in my life that can be so completely and utterly unhappy with any choice I make.

IE my father, if you've read before I want to go into the DEA. My dad is so unsupportive of this and you know, I'm like hell I'm not sitting at a desk for the rest of my life. Hopefully, I mean I want to make a difference in someone's life, maybe save some people's lives, and if that means sitting at a desk I'll do it, but I don't want to do taxes for the rest of my life. Well a requirement of becoming a DEA agent is to be in some type of law enforcement before applying and of course that could scare him, but at least say something instead of one word every time I talk about it. 

So this whole thing that started this is that Dixie is trying to get the MAcc from U of U but there are fields that they are focused in and of course Dixie wants the Tax field, which I naturally want to go into the auditing side, easier to track fabricated funds with that background. I told him about this and he said that's great...well it's not great I want auditing. Then thinking to myself maybe I don't I'm assuming that that emphasis would be good so maybe I should talk to a DEA agent and I tell my dad this is reply is great......

But you know, like always music and ceramics fix everything, well almost everything..

Discontent.

It's so frustrating because I know other people approve of this but I just wish my dad made more of an effort to be happy or fake it.

Comprehension.

Yesterday was shit just so everyone knows. (:

Well I don't know why but sometimes I just want my momma and I'll sit at the cemetery unhappy for a good while.

Sometimes I'll play the blame game and sometimes I'll cry for hours about all the times I missed out on. Then sometimes I'm better than ever before. None of this is great though, I really think people believe my smiles 90% of the time. There are some that still see through them. But I keep telling myself they don't and they still let me act.

I miss being able to call my bestie up and bugging him for hours about nothing I actually need to say it always calms my nerves but you know, knowing hes out in OK doing what he was meant to do is an awesome thought and I wouldn't want it any other way for him!

I feel like I'm always super confused about everything right now in my life and truthfully I'm pretty okay with it. I know two things forsure. Ceramics is my muse and I have some of the best people in my life some are part time and that's okay but those people that are there at 4 in the morning are the ones I know will be there forever.

I know I've said it a million times but seriously the relationships I make no matter how small mean something huge to me.

I know I talk about all the regrets that I have and you know the only thing I need to remind myself that if I would have changed something I wouldn't be who I am today, is my favorite song Rite of Spring by Angels and Airwaves. I wrote this top part earlier today, and later today I was listening to my iPod and that song came on and it reminded me, no matter how badly I wish I could have spent more time with my momma, I wouldn't be who I am today if the story was changed even slightly.

And you know what. I really do like who I am becoming and I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable to say that if you don't like it, I truly do not give a shit. I know who I want to still become and it's my goal to get there.

Oh Yes.

So I'm 21. My birthday was the 5th. It was pretty awesome truthfully I got to throw pots from 12 till about 7. I loved it but at the same time all day was still really weird. It didn't hit me until Friday night (the 6th) why there was something wrong all day that I couldn't figure out. I just miss my mom being around. She was so much more thoughtful than my dad. Not to say it's his fault he's a guy and he doesn't really get being thoughtful, I know terrible stereotype, but he didn't even get me a damn card haha and sometimes a girl just needs her Momma.

You know I don't exactly tell people much about me other than in this blog, but I am trying to..

You probably also know I don't give out many compliments but I want to today. I just want to say that Sherri and Karen are two women in my life that have become like my mother. I love them both so much and they are amazing people. I miss seeing them more often and I hope to change that. Things in my life have taught me that if you have family that you love, you tell them and you try to make the greatest memories you can before the opportunities are gone to do so.

Lately I've also really missed my Grandpa, I just haven't seen him in a long time. Over these years after he moved out here I have really become a Grandpa's girl. I love him to death, he is one hell of a Grandpa too (:

So I got a snapchat a few weeks ago and seriously sometimes it can be the stupidest thing and sometimes it can just be hilarious.

This is quickly turning into a mush of the my thoughts..

So something I just think is really kinda funny since I've turned 21 my dad as been on the prowl. Seriously, I think he is freaking out...I mean I really don't know why he thinks I'm going to turn into a wild child now after 21 years of anti everything. I mean I am a lot more lax now than a was 3 years ago, and I'm happy with that. But he as been trying to watch me like a hawk..the other night, Sunday I was out at 12:30 and he called telling me I was making bad decisions. I seriously tired not to laugh because a year ago if I was out at that time he would have just went to bed and been okay with it. When I got home he also said it was unacceptable, which was even more funny to me because in high school I was out at 3 am and he didn't give a crap. Anyways it's amusing to me that he has changed all of the sudden.

Oh so the week before my birthday I got tonsillitis and missed 2 and 1/2 days of school, yeah I'm still screwed over from that. I wish the semester could start over because I am dying from this over load of catch up and regular homework, sucks. I really like my classes though, other than ethics. I think I'll have to audit Ceramics but I'm totally okay with that as long as I get to be in there throwing is all I care. Next semester I'm so not taking 18 credits. I haven't even started the 18th credit, starts on Thursday, outdoor cooking I'm actually excited about that. I know I have awesome grammar.

This weather though, can I have this all the time. I'm moving to Washington just so I can be happy all the time because of weather. Although I do have a love hate relationship with the cold part of weather..

Anyway, overall I'm super happy lately and it's an amazing feeling (:

Love,
Me.