This Season.

How can someone mean so much to you and you can't even carry a conversation with them anymore? All I want to do is run up to him and hug him and cry because I just can't handle not having my mom around anymore especially right now, this close to Christmas, and truthfully he was the reason I could handle nights like this. She is supposed to be here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Christmas is supposed to be the happiest holiday, I think it is going to be the worst. It's like I'm missing half of me. It's like every other day I'm ok and then it's horrible. It's like I'm reliving that day and truthfully I don't even remember most of it just a lot of people and trying not to believe it was real that I would wake up from the nightmare, that my sister never came to my room to wake me up and tell me. It's like this spinning world is moving faster and faster but I'm not going anywhere and I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess this whole mood could be because of the stress of finals, but truthfully I just think it's getting to me tonight. I'm trying but sometimes I just want to sit in my bed all day and night. I think its enough of my depressive mood.

Just to take things slowly is what I need to remember. People keep saying time heals and truthfully for me it hasn't, not one bit. I just hope that time will heal this open wound but I'm starting to doubt it.

Even though I think Christmas is going to be horrible, I hope it isn't.
Merry Christmas people. You guys know that even your smiles and those funny conversations I have with you all help me through the day.

You know ceramics is what I miss. It might be part of the problem. It's just a good thing that I decided to do what I wanted to do, not my dad, and signed up for the advanced class for spring.

FRIENDS!

I'll be there for you, cause your there for me too!

I love friends everyone. You should go watch every season, or watch it with me! It reminds me of 6th grade and Zachary Grant Bess watching friends at his old house. Well I hope other people think about random stuff like that haha.

Saturday was successful I went to the downtown farmers market and sold a few pots! Also got my Gma her christmas gift! One down millions to go. Oh and I'm still shaking  from being cold lovely I know!

Christmas. So one of the best holidays and I'm dreading it. No need, correct? Wrong. I'm motherless. I don't know what to do. It seems like the people I do call mother will always be there for me, but in the end they aren't my mom. I love them to death, but it's not the same. I just want things to be normal around my house, I'm trying my dad's trying Kylah is the only one who doesn't understand and I wish I could just be like her sometimes, the innocent child that thinks Granny and Grandma Terry are in the clouds and will be back soon. I can at the least say my life is better because of them but I know I did not get to spend enough time with either.

Grabbed it by the horns,

Thrown off more than once,

Experience makes the difference.

Cherish the small things

sweat the big stuff,

enjoy what is not sought by others.

thoughts and words strung together,

the hope lies in the middle

tasteless tragedy lingers in the distance.

So this is an ongoing post of 3 days now, so it seems sporadic sorry and I never finished my thoughts last night I got distracted, oh well haha sounds like me.  Well to end on a good note finals this week! I'm actually excited for all of them but Math lol. The first semester of college flew past me and I've learned more from the people around me than the books. Look on the bright side or life.

Learning Curve

Don't take for granted those little things, those little things are all that we have.

I learned something today, no matter how hard I think life is for me, it can't get worse than where it's at now. My problem is getting over not having my mom around to talk to her and when I really think about it she will always be there for me maybe not next to me, but everything she has taught me and helped me with I will always take along the ride.

It's taken me a while to realize that I can do it on my own now that I have to it seems it has just hit me in the face. Of course I will always have my family and those friends that know exactly what to say even if they dont know they do and even if it makes me cry my eyes out its what I need to hear.

I don't think it will ever change. I will always argue with my dad, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I will always want to do ceramics and I never will be able to. Those two things seem to be inevitable.

My problems start at myself. It's not that I don't like myself, I just have no self confidence. Sometimes I make myself mad with it but other times I realize I'm right. School is the thing that gets me the worst, but I think I will get over it.

It is simpler than I make it most of the time. I over think everything and you know sometimes it isn't so bad. I like that I can make a decision on my own without someone over my shoulder making sure I'm not messing up. I know most can but lately it's even better and I'm referring to my dad. He is awesome but I like making my own decisions and having my own things.

FINALS.

here goes.

So it's december, obviously, I really like it right now. Although I think that by the time finals are over I'm going to be an emotional wreck. You know the longer it spans the harder it's getting. I miss my mom more every day and I almost feel bad for the people I'm around because they have to listen to me about it a lot. I just want you all to know that I am really thankful for you, especially CJ.

As the time keeps going by it seems that I keep changing and growing. I know that through it all there will always be those people with me. There will also be the people that come and go, and lately there have been a few. I know it's not always what I want, but it was supposed to be that way. It is always hard at first, and sometimes it doesn't get better fast enough. I think that the people that have been there through the hardest times are the ones that are irreplaceable to me. I know I have had hard times with people and with myself, but it can't get much worse than it has been in the past.

Its not that today was a good day I just know that I don't show the appreciation for the life I have. CJ was the one to point this out and at first it made me mad, but then i knew he was right. I don't I like to complain about how its just so hard because I don't always get along with my father. You know, it has been a big curve. I had my mom to talk to. It is not the easiest thing to talk about or even think about. But I need to get over hiding everything. That has also been a hot topic lately. It has been over 6 months, and truthfully I'm not over it, nor do I think I ever will be, but I need to be able to deal with it because frankly, I haven't dealt with it and because of that I've become distant from everyone.

I have no idea if I've said all this before I probably have actually. I just want to force it haha. I guess anyway it is just different from everything I've ever had to deal with and I think this is my vent for it because it's the easiest place to type and type without having a real direction.

Hurt.

So here goes the woes.

I just feel like I can't do anything right especially for my dad. I cannot please him no matter what I do. Frankly it hurts at the end of the day I sit in my room wishing I was else where. Here is my problem. I have a hard time living in my house in the first place, all the memories and things that should make me happy just hurt still. Oh brings me to another thing cried twice at work today awesome huh! But it seems that every thing that has hit in the last year has created a situation where I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I am going to move out that is one decided thing, to where, who knows. I have always wanted to move out for college and the fact that I don't get along with my dad makes me have just another reason. It also seems that lately I can't even please myself with what I am trying to achieve, it's like this, I got a 67 on my accounting test, yeah not that great, I beat myself up all day about it then I get a call from my dad, you need to change something, telling me I'm yet again not good enough, when hey not to hate on my sister, I love her, and truthfully I think I'm jealous that I can see that my dad is proud of her, not and will never say one word about me. Just all I can say is it hurts, to all that care.

I miss my mother. She did more than I knew to keep me going. All the little things I didn't know about are gone. In the long run of things I know that now she is gone all I want is to have her here. Even if she was mad at me for the rest of my life, I would rather have her here, I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I just wish I would have realized everything before.

This is what is happening.

Here we go!

So it has been one year to the day, I don't think that my sister or cousin sierra realize but when it's exactly a week after me and CJ's anniversary... My Granny is the greatest lady I have had the privilege to know. I miss her immensely. You ask, why is she blogging about this, well this is my intro to my random thought/poem things I like to write.

Happiness is not what is hoped for,
Love is what we have,
Normalcy is what I need.

Nothing is the same,
There's nothing we can do.

What is going on,
Who thought that this would happen,
Where does life go from here.

So many questions left unanswered,
No help from you.

Running past me,
Time is gone,
Stealing all that was close.

One year, Six months,
Which is worse?

Oh no..maybe I'll finish this after class, at home. Or maybe it is done.

Just a short snippet of my thoughts today. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this still. I've found that in the end crying does nothing, but sometimes it makes me think it helps. I need to think about the happy times I have created with the people that are gone now.

Update!

Okay Liana needs to post some pictures! This has been the biggest roller coaster of the last 3 weeks! Too much stuff has been going on for me to even think. By the end of this blog you will know! Haha So just as a side note my dog is awesome! Me and cj have been dating for over a year now and it's freaking awesome. I seriously cant believe that it's been this long. But truthfully it has been the best year of my life. Ok so in the last weeks I have been to park city for the best bagger competition. Yeah I didn't win but it was a good time. Gears of war 3 came out and it's about the best game I've played in a long time. Ok so that was a spillage of words.

Best bagger: ok well here goes I got to go to park city again we stayed at the chetuex (I think that's how you spell it?) the competition was the day we got there and it was pretty cool I thought I was going to place, but I didn't. The room was awesome other than the fact that I couldn't sleep. The next day we went to the university mall I got to go to forever21 and spend money and eat at chick-fil-a haha it was awesome I made cj jealous because its his favorite.

Gears of war 3: I am a nerd. End of story it is the greatest campaign ever!

Anniversary: yesterday was awesome! Me and cj have been dating for a year now! It makes me happy to think that it's been over a year and that we have made it through the summer of him working for Vivint and being across the country. (which by the way was killing me) I'm just glad he understands me and all the problems I've had with my mom being gone and everything and he just knows how to fix things hah I'm in love sorry I'm going on about it but I could go one forever about our relationship and how all the random little things make me happy. Well yesterday was what I was supposed to be talking about. So I got to hang out with cj all day yesterday and it was haha pretty normal which is what made it 100 times better. I know I sound so weird right? But that's all I've been asking for since may is just things to feel normal and for once yesterday it was good. I know it won't ever be completely normal but it was as normal as it will ever be yesterday haha I took a nap while cj played black ops, we got dinner at Honolulu Grill (highly recommend it) we went to the corn maze and stopped by ice berg before we went to his parents to drop off the rest of our chocolate banana shake haha. Course his dad is obsessed with ice cream.

 My freakin dog! Rosco is insane! I'll edit this next time I get on my computer so everyone can see all the stuff that has been going on and what not but I think for now this is all I have to say maybe later today I'll actually write not just update y'all I love you.