Ranting.

Wanna know what pisses me off..well ima tell you even if you don't.

People piss me off. I get blamed for the stupid things that I have nothing to do with. I think that I have learned something new today and I really know that the people I can count on will always be here and the people I can't count on are already gone. The thought that I used to trust the people makes me sick inside to know they know things about me that make me so vulnerable.

I believe that my family and friends are the basis of who I am. Not including CJ that is a given. He makes me think differently than I ever thought I could. Within the last few months I have learned that those are the people I count on and will always be able to talk to.  

My cousin Sierra this is for you. Thank you. Through out these past few months knowing that you were there for me made things easier. Even though I never said much, I know I can tell you anything. I miss you lots and I wish I could be here this weekend. 

Even though most of these people that mean a lot to me won't ever read this I hope they know that without them I wouldn't know what to do. I know I have those friends that are my older brothers and without them I wouldn't be the protected little sister and now days I know that is truly what I need now. It is that unspoken agreement that they will always look out for me and always piss me off just like i expect.

Since my mom has been gone I've noticed the support I've always had. I know that those teachers that have become friends are the people I have learned the most from. I've also learned that I can't take my hurt and frustration out on the first person I see. I love the people that are getting hurt and pushed away too easily because of my stubbornness and lack of judgement.  

I just want ya'll to know that I love you and am glad to have the support system I have.

Stargazer Lilies.

The creation that I would like to thank God for today. Stargazer Lilies. Those beautiful flowers have changed the way that I view today. Just the thought of those flowers in the window overlooking the South side of Saint George. The summer I spent in the hospital praying hoping believing and dreaming this would all turn out how it was supposed to. Not how a year ago I was visiting the 3rd floor on a daily basis and now I sit on the grass for as long as i can bare to make reality real again.


I remember the day the happy day when I brought those lilies into my moms hospital room not expecting what was to come I never thought that now I would be making myself physically sick from crying knowing that, that vase that short tubby vase would remind me of the day i found out that open heart surgery was July 13, and now a year later I am lost without my mom.


The three months of this summer are nothing to me. the things I remember are the ones that cause the most greif. The morning being woken up knowing that i would never begin to realize how much my mom meant to me nor will I ever forget how much she still means to me.


I don't believe that at the moment college is what I should or can be doing, but here I am. Thrown into the world of books and tests again. The people that mean the most to me are the ones that are getting more distant and truthfully I don't know what to do other than talk. Spill my emotions which i really don't know how to do without crying. Sincerely I am sick of crying, but in the end I'm more sick of holding in the things that are making me cry.


I have pushed for the past 3 months and now I know that it was wrong I want to be close with friends, people I love, people I know I don't want to live without.


Summer ceramics was the hardest 5 weeks of my life and because of the simplicity of it, I didn't notice. It hadn't hit me yet. Nothing had truly changed until I realized when i took home my pots instead of a those are amazing I got a why did you make all those.


The time I have had to think and rethink I know what I want. Life doesn't always come easy to people and this time, this decision has for me. My meaning is that I want and will be a CPA hopefully within 5 years. I want to push my own limits and I know that I can. I want to have a family as soon as it is right and I want the people out there to know that truth. My hidden truth. My smile now days isn't for me anymore, it is for you and someday again, soon, I know it will be for myself.

Loosing Battles

I never thought of the possibilities. Of the hurt that doesn't go away. The thought that everything has changed won't settle. I need someone I can spill everything to in the middle of the night when i can't sleep and the terror of the false hope from the nightmares keep me awake.


I know lately my blogs have been, to say the least depressing.


Truthfully when you ask how are you I want to say horrible. I want to say that I want my mom to laugh with and share my day with. I know it does nothing to cry about it but truthfully this is how I feel. I want to know that when I get home I can talk to her about the people I know and the funny stories about my friends. I miss her. I miss the trips and time I got to spend with my mom. I miss that she knew how much ceramics means to me. How when I would bring something home it would be praised and said it was the best thing I've made so far. I just miss my mom.


Yeah I guess this has turned into my journal for the world to see. This wasn't what i meant it to be but here it is. 


The flips and turns i make
The highs and dives in my emotions
Memories twist around me.


I've said it before,
This isn't what i came for.
90 miles an hour
Just to be too late.


Waking up to the news.
It isn't true.


Another wave of emotion hits.
Crashing into me with this out of control world.
Distant faces and thoughts
covered by the ocean of pain.


This mona lisa,
it's my piece of work.
I'll finish before it's too late
You'll remember what I lived for.


The memories give hope
the hope gives pain
the pain gives me my reality.


She is what created my life.
All that I know,
I walk my path with her lessons
leading me,
I'm lost but not in life.


I miss that person.
I used to know myself.
Through the pain I see the change.


Alma 32:21:
And now as i said concerning faith -- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if you have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.


I guess this is what just happens when I let my mind write now days.

Good-ness.

I am going to be a happy person this week. Well actually, for the rest of my life. Tuesday is the store softball tournament I'm actually excited for it other than that's when CJ gets home. I've noticed myself through out the summer changing as the days slowly go by. I truthfully don't know what I want to do with my life, so I've given up for the moment and I'm focusing on accounting. 


I've also noticed things that most don't. When it comes to people, they are distant to me. I don't really know if it is me, or them but that is the feeling I get when I'm around others now. Part of it I know is me. I'm trying not to but I've made a shell that I don't let many into. 


The phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder, not true. Time is what makes the heart grow fonder. These past 4 months without CJ have made me realize that the time I spend with him are the times I am most happy. Knowing that he is a 5 minute drive away always gave me that security that when something is wrong I can turn to him and when he wasn't there I knew that it would be the hardest summer of my life. Also, time creates the memories and moments that bring happiness throughout life. Not that I have all this experience that I can back up my statements, I do have my 18 years and  within the last 4 months a lot of sleepless nights thinking about things I could have changed and things that were great in the time I got to spend with my mother.


Of course I just lost the rest of what I've been trying to say for so long. I just know that because I did choose the things that meant nothing in the end I missed a lot of great things that I will never get to have memories of. The people that mean the most to me keep leaving and without them I am becoming lost. The things I've been taught and the things I have seen are making me into the person I want to be.


"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." -- Abraham Lincoln

Up All Night.

19 in a little over a month. I can't believe how fast time flys by sometimes. I remember playing Beenie Babys with my best friend and eating watermelon and muddy bears on the 24th with the whole neighborhood like it was last year. So updates.


It's hot in Saint George like always. I miss my mom like always.


Last night we had a bonfire at Carson's house that was pretty fun. Story behind that, it was supposed to be out past the dam road ya know...well we got out there and no one brought a lighter so we obviously had no way to start a fire. so technically it was just a fire in his fire pit. But not gonna lie good music and good people create one good night. Oh I still agree chocolate and strawberry marshmallows are weird.

I tend to think about things that mean nothing but help to figure things out when I sit and star into the fire and watch the ashes fly away and the embers shine in the dark. 

Sucker for Lovers.

I truly know i have the person I want to be with. Not gonna lie he is amazing. I'm not just gonna post a full blog completely about him even though thats the title.

So when I think through the times I've had in my life I know I don't think of a lot of them because of the people that were in them. It's tough knowing things have to change when they shouldn't have to, but you know they need to.

People throw the L word around too easily these days. Not to say I am not an abuser of it either. I have found that when I mean something is when I act upon the subject. Not when I just say it.  I think that goes for everything in my life lately since I've lost my mother. and here I go crying again.

I know I have kind of become a hermit living at ceramics and my house except when I work. I want my friends to know that I'm still trying. Yeah we only ever hang out at night, and that is when everything is harder for me. I'm sorry I haven't been around much but thats the hard part about everything at night I either have to be alone or I can't be alone and that probably makes less sense than most of my blogs but I just mean the second that sun sets my mind starts racing about all the things I didn't get to say or do when my mom was here. I don't expect anyone to really understand either.

To end today, I am using my very unoriginal favorite quote,

"In times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

-George Orwell 

McCarran

So, here I am sitting at McCarran International. Excited and very scared..my tummy doesn't like it. 

First off long day. I decided to go to the Warped Tour in Las Vegas, bad idea. Horrible. I hated it and left before I even got to see A Day To Remember. There was no way I could have stayed I'm such a princess now days. It's sad. Reason for the airport, going to see CJ!!! I'm excited for that I haven't seen him in over 2 months, yeah screw that. I think this is going to be the longest night, but well worth it! Tomorrow is going to be amazing! 

TaDa I took a shower in a trucker stop today, that was cool, not gonna lie. Nicer than I thought it was going to be forsure. It cost me 10 dollars though that kinda stunk, but now I don't.

I miss my friends already! ): I never got to hang out with the Lin's crew before I left dangit.

Thought of the day, actually its on my shirt but it says "If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." - Enter Shikari. Love it. 

I noticed that when I haven't made a strong decision before the choice comes, i end up choosing the wrong one more often. Keep the promises you make and believe the promises that have been made to you, even if you shouldn't. I know whoever it is there is no type of relationship without that trust. So believe me when I say, stay closer than you want to be to the people who mean the most to you. love them with all your heart.