Stargazer Lilies.

The creation that I would like to thank God for today. Stargazer Lilies. Those beautiful flowers have changed the way that I view today. Just the thought of those flowers in the window overlooking the South side of Saint George. The summer I spent in the hospital praying hoping believing and dreaming this would all turn out how it was supposed to. Not how a year ago I was visiting the 3rd floor on a daily basis and now I sit on the grass for as long as i can bare to make reality real again.


I remember the day the happy day when I brought those lilies into my moms hospital room not expecting what was to come I never thought that now I would be making myself physically sick from crying knowing that, that vase that short tubby vase would remind me of the day i found out that open heart surgery was July 13, and now a year later I am lost without my mom.


The three months of this summer are nothing to me. the things I remember are the ones that cause the most greif. The morning being woken up knowing that i would never begin to realize how much my mom meant to me nor will I ever forget how much she still means to me.


I don't believe that at the moment college is what I should or can be doing, but here I am. Thrown into the world of books and tests again. The people that mean the most to me are the ones that are getting more distant and truthfully I don't know what to do other than talk. Spill my emotions which i really don't know how to do without crying. Sincerely I am sick of crying, but in the end I'm more sick of holding in the things that are making me cry.


I have pushed for the past 3 months and now I know that it was wrong I want to be close with friends, people I love, people I know I don't want to live without.


Summer ceramics was the hardest 5 weeks of my life and because of the simplicity of it, I didn't notice. It hadn't hit me yet. Nothing had truly changed until I realized when i took home my pots instead of a those are amazing I got a why did you make all those.


The time I have had to think and rethink I know what I want. Life doesn't always come easy to people and this time, this decision has for me. My meaning is that I want and will be a CPA hopefully within 5 years. I want to push my own limits and I know that I can. I want to have a family as soon as it is right and I want the people out there to know that truth. My hidden truth. My smile now days isn't for me anymore, it is for you and someday again, soon, I know it will be for myself.