Botan and Dew.

I've never met people like the people in my life now. You know how people remind you of old friends or other acquaintances, well these people, they are, for lack of better words, the cream of the crop and I don't think there is anyone more genuine out there than them. The funny thing is that they have been hiding right under my nose for a long while. I know for sure that things happen for a reason, and there was a reason I met everyone when I did.

I'm seriously happier than I've been since before June 13, 2010. I knew then that my life wasn't right, but I had no idea the changes I myself had to make, were so small compared to feelings I had for the people that had to leave.

It's crazy how things can take a long time to change, but when they actually change, it's quicker than a blink of an eye.

I used to play Xbox because it was always better than real life. I still play but not for that reason anymore. My homework has gotten the better of me lately so I don't play often but I still love it. It is kinda weird how it has changed, I used to rely on it to make me happy and those people on Xbox got that. As of late, I just think that it was never helpful because I wasn't actually growing from it, just digging a deeper hole to hide my emotions in. I was starting to notice because I had ginormous mood swings that were progressively getting worse. Not to say that those people made it worse, they were always helpful. There are of course other factors that went into that but it was a big part of why it wasn't getting better ever.

I just think that "Things have change for me, and that's okay, I feel the same, I'm on my way."


In other news ADTR came out with their new album last night, it's amazing. The kiln was fired yesterday and I'm excited to see my bowl for TS and tea pot that were in there. My pup is sicker than sick, and I'm really worried about him. He's actually acting sick which is why it scares me. It's that best friends connection that makes me notice and that's exactly what he is.

Even if I have no idea what I really want to do in life I have 2 years to figure out my future off of this general direction of accounting. DEA is still my #1 I am going to start taking steps for that sooner than later and I am excited for what's to come concerning that and other life decisions. The most comforting thing about this is the feeling of security and encouragement I have now.

.....?

I cannot wait for fall break the 10th and 11th. I have so much homework that I am expecting that tomorrow I will be doing it for at least 6 hours, considering I have not done homework in about 5 days also..I know I'm bad.

I am actually doing homework as I type this, in a different class than the homework is for..

I had such a good weekend with great people. Sometimes I forget that there are some really amazing people in this world that care a lot more than the average person, about people they barely know. I got some good advice and would like to give it to you in a round about way, don't settle for anyone, ever. Even if you think that person is eh good enough, good enough is not GOOD enough. You want better than you ever thought, at least that's how I think. That's how I took the conversation, there are people I care about that I know settled and in truth I wish I could smack them in the face and wake their asses up to tell them to get out of that. I mean hell that's what they have done to me and it helped me, I just can't get into other people's business like that, I wish sometimes.

Anyway my big point is find someone that makes you smile uncontrollably. That sings music for you to dance to when there is none. Someone who will make a fool of themselves with you. That is where you will find true happiness.

I seriously need to hash this out today. The last couple weeks have sucked in the department of knowing what I want to do. One day I want to be a DEA agent the next I wanna be a potter, then the next a pharmacist...can I just be them all at the same time?! The only thing I know for sure is that I am going to minor in math a keep my major as accounting..I will finish that no matter what I love accounting..then maybe pre reqs for pharmacy if I still haven't decided after 2 years.. maybe I'll just go to school forever. I totally wish I could do my homework as well as I write in this blog..I can get through any distraction on this thing.

I also wish I wasn't so spastic lately with homework and what not.

DEA

Okay seriously I've never met someone in my life that can be so completely and utterly unhappy with any choice I make.

IE my father, if you've read before I want to go into the DEA. My dad is so unsupportive of this and you know, I'm like hell I'm not sitting at a desk for the rest of my life. Hopefully, I mean I want to make a difference in someone's life, maybe save some people's lives, and if that means sitting at a desk I'll do it, but I don't want to do taxes for the rest of my life. Well a requirement of becoming a DEA agent is to be in some type of law enforcement before applying and of course that could scare him, but at least say something instead of one word every time I talk about it. 

So this whole thing that started this is that Dixie is trying to get the MAcc from U of U but there are fields that they are focused in and of course Dixie wants the Tax field, which I naturally want to go into the auditing side, easier to track fabricated funds with that background. I told him about this and he said that's great...well it's not great I want auditing. Then thinking to myself maybe I don't I'm assuming that that emphasis would be good so maybe I should talk to a DEA agent and I tell my dad this is reply is great......

But you know, like always music and ceramics fix everything, well almost everything..

Discontent.

It's so frustrating because I know other people approve of this but I just wish my dad made more of an effort to be happy or fake it.

Comprehension.

Yesterday was shit just so everyone knows. (:

Well I don't know why but sometimes I just want my momma and I'll sit at the cemetery unhappy for a good while.

Sometimes I'll play the blame game and sometimes I'll cry for hours about all the times I missed out on. Then sometimes I'm better than ever before. None of this is great though, I really think people believe my smiles 90% of the time. There are some that still see through them. But I keep telling myself they don't and they still let me act.

I miss being able to call my bestie up and bugging him for hours about nothing I actually need to say it always calms my nerves but you know, knowing hes out in OK doing what he was meant to do is an awesome thought and I wouldn't want it any other way for him!

I feel like I'm always super confused about everything right now in my life and truthfully I'm pretty okay with it. I know two things forsure. Ceramics is my muse and I have some of the best people in my life some are part time and that's okay but those people that are there at 4 in the morning are the ones I know will be there forever.

I know I've said it a million times but seriously the relationships I make no matter how small mean something huge to me.

I know I talk about all the regrets that I have and you know the only thing I need to remind myself that if I would have changed something I wouldn't be who I am today, is my favorite song Rite of Spring by Angels and Airwaves. I wrote this top part earlier today, and later today I was listening to my iPod and that song came on and it reminded me, no matter how badly I wish I could have spent more time with my momma, I wouldn't be who I am today if the story was changed even slightly.

And you know what. I really do like who I am becoming and I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable to say that if you don't like it, I truly do not give a shit. I know who I want to still become and it's my goal to get there.

Oh Yes.

So I'm 21. My birthday was the 5th. It was pretty awesome truthfully I got to throw pots from 12 till about 7. I loved it but at the same time all day was still really weird. It didn't hit me until Friday night (the 6th) why there was something wrong all day that I couldn't figure out. I just miss my mom being around. She was so much more thoughtful than my dad. Not to say it's his fault he's a guy and he doesn't really get being thoughtful, I know terrible stereotype, but he didn't even get me a damn card haha and sometimes a girl just needs her Momma.

You know I don't exactly tell people much about me other than in this blog, but I am trying to..

You probably also know I don't give out many compliments but I want to today. I just want to say that Sherri and Karen are two women in my life that have become like my mother. I love them both so much and they are amazing people. I miss seeing them more often and I hope to change that. Things in my life have taught me that if you have family that you love, you tell them and you try to make the greatest memories you can before the opportunities are gone to do so.

Lately I've also really missed my Grandpa, I just haven't seen him in a long time. Over these years after he moved out here I have really become a Grandpa's girl. I love him to death, he is one hell of a Grandpa too (:

So I got a snapchat a few weeks ago and seriously sometimes it can be the stupidest thing and sometimes it can just be hilarious.

This is quickly turning into a mush of the my thoughts..

So something I just think is really kinda funny since I've turned 21 my dad as been on the prowl. Seriously, I think he is freaking out...I mean I really don't know why he thinks I'm going to turn into a wild child now after 21 years of anti everything. I mean I am a lot more lax now than a was 3 years ago, and I'm happy with that. But he as been trying to watch me like a hawk..the other night, Sunday I was out at 12:30 and he called telling me I was making bad decisions. I seriously tired not to laugh because a year ago if I was out at that time he would have just went to bed and been okay with it. When I got home he also said it was unacceptable, which was even more funny to me because in high school I was out at 3 am and he didn't give a crap. Anyways it's amusing to me that he has changed all of the sudden.

Oh so the week before my birthday I got tonsillitis and missed 2 and 1/2 days of school, yeah I'm still screwed over from that. I wish the semester could start over because I am dying from this over load of catch up and regular homework, sucks. I really like my classes though, other than ethics. I think I'll have to audit Ceramics but I'm totally okay with that as long as I get to be in there throwing is all I care. Next semester I'm so not taking 18 credits. I haven't even started the 18th credit, starts on Thursday, outdoor cooking I'm actually excited about that. I know I have awesome grammar.

This weather though, can I have this all the time. I'm moving to Washington just so I can be happy all the time because of weather. Although I do have a love hate relationship with the cold part of weather..

Anyway, overall I'm super happy lately and it's an amazing feeling (:

Love,
Me.

Nothing Good.

Sometimes I just feel empty inside and I don't know how to fix that. It really sucks. I just want to sleep but I can't I've grown up too much to do that. That's the part that sucks the most. It's like I'm heartbroken over no one and I really am I don't miss anyone from my past still living. Xbox doesn't even touch these feelings. I'm pretty positive I've explained why I play Xbox before but if not, it's one of the only places I can go to when episodes like this that are lesser happen.

It's worse than depression its like mania but with out some of the worst thoughts.

Someone once told me to get over it and you know what that person is the most fucked up person I've met in my entire life. Because of him I never figured out how to deal with my real problems and hurt, and its gonna change but not tonight. Tomorrow maybe. I just wish I could call my best friend and talk a normal conversation about how I miss my family and how my grandma is, in reality, slowly giving up in front of my own eyes.

I have always hated that I can read people because I knew when the doctor said my mom was on life support and when my grandma called two times now to tell me that I lost another one of my heros.

I don't know how to explain all of it all the time but I try.

I Dare You

If you lie to me, you are dead to me.
Don't expect me to forgive you either.

Sometimes it really gets to me, seriously, lie straight to my face..good idea it's not like I don't know. I don't see why anyone thinks it is beneficial to me or anyone around.

This way I have been living lately is if I have a problem I solve it myself. I don't blame it on someone else and I have tried not to complain about it. I may not be happy while trying to fix the problem, but I've been trying to keep my mouth shut about it.

I just think that if people really want to be happy they will fix their own problems, or do their best to do so. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have help, but to complain so much as to have someone do it for you is not right.

Anyway I just wanna say think about what you do before you do it and what you say before you say it.