I See the Answer on the Horizon.

Sometimes I just think to myself, you are going in the right direction, and sometimes I think..what is going on?! Today is one of those days when I know what I am headed towards is what I really want.

Well I started this post about a week ago now..and I keep thinking to myself do I really want to be an accountant...well DUH! I love it truthfully.

I am totally convinced that I will never get married as long as I live in Saint George, because, no offense, guys that live here are either assholes or super judgmental, and think I'm some crazy jack Mormon because I don't actually go to church..that doesn't mean I don't believe. No need to start that rant though...

that basically explains what I am thinking about my life at the moment and that in the end I will end up in either Nevada, New York or somewhere by the Great Lakes for my job. I really think that is how it will be. I may be completely wrong but I keep thinking about where I will be in five years and it includes visits to Saint George, but not living here. There are too many bad memories and tastes left over from here. Like how I will never enter Dixie Regional again unless I am forcibly taken there, and how every place I go reminds me of my childhood and watching all my favorite bands play over and over at the electric theater..with all those people I haven't spoken to in years. The changes in my life have all been because of one thing or another that's bad in Saint George.

Moving far away is not an option for now. My Grandpa John and Grandma Donna are not in the greatest health and I want to spend all the time I can with them because I missed so much of it when I was in the teenager stages of my life. I am going to make it so I can't hate myself when anyone in my family leaves this life anymore. Seriously, I spend so many nights thinking why didn't I go to the movies when my mom asked or go on a drive...I did when I was younger, but not when it really mattered, not when I could have learned the most from my wonderful mother.

All that I am,
or hope to be,
I owe to my angel mother.
-Abe Lincoln

I Don't Care

Supposedly I'm not a kid. Which also supposedly means I can't like aquariums..I'm like really? Don't tell me how to live my life! (: I just have to say if being a kid means liking aquariums, zoos and talking to animals like they understand then I'll be a kid for my whole life.

On Saturday I'm going to a Yankee game I'm super excited. I'm also going to an aquarium and the beach happy day. Pictures to come next week.

I really don't like this summer semester at all. Accounting 3010 is a freaking waste of time its such busy work and reading. Finance 3150 isn't terrible but accounting is making me hate summer classes now and I have always loved them..maybe because they were ceramics and an easy general..I have been a little spoiled with my choice of summer classes.

Well this is sort of just an update, next week I'll post a bunch of cute pictures of my niece and the Yankees with my father.

Friend. Play.

Sometimes I really miss having a close friend that lives in saint george. I don't think I realized how nice it was until lately. The crazy part of this whole thought string is that there are people that live across the country that I've never met that I'm more open with and them with me than some of the people I hang out with. I guess that's part of the mentality that they can't hurt me  too badly if I don't actually know them but still its been a reoccurring thought of mine for the past few days..

Don't Wake Me I Plan On Sleeping In

Some nights I know I'm going to have nightmares.  Truthfully most people would consider them wonderful dreams of happiness that I've enjoyed in my life, but I don't. Nights like tonight I would rather not sleep and be tired tomorrow.  I can't even begin to explain the hurt that comes through these dreams. There is only one person I've ever known who has worse dreams the dreams that make you throw up when you wake up and realize you just relived the worst day of your life.

I don't know how else to explain what I've lived through over and over through my sleep. Sometimes it's happy memories and when I wake up I realize it was just a dream and sometimes its that morning when my sister woke me up the nightmare that was real.

No one understands why when they say your dad is awesome I just say yeah sure don't get me wrong without him I would be lost but that night I was told to go home I will never forgive him for that. That night all I wanted was to stay at the hospital. I knew I would never be able to talk to my mom again after they told the family she was on a respirator I think I might have been the only one who really knew that night. I remember exactly what I was doing exactly who I was talking to when my grandma called me that night. The thing that torments me the most is I can't remember if I told her I loved her when I left earlier that night. I don't care what anyone says about how she's in heaven and knows I love her. That is how I know when people really don't understand me. If I love someone they will know and if they don't and I lose them I will never forgive myself for letting that happen I know she knew I loved her. But really how much I cared, I never began to really appreciate her.

Untitled

When I was in high school and had lots of time on my hands I wrote lots of poetry. For some reason it seems like I knew what was going to happen because I always wrote about the feeling of being alone.

I realized the reason I really want to walk tomorrow at graduation is because the second worst day of my life was my high school graduation. All my mom wanted through out her knee surgery was to go to my graduation. The doctor had even said she could leave for it and be readmitted after, if we promised to bring her back and two days before she lost her fight, two years ago at the end of this May the longest years of my life. I've come to rather be alone than with other people because sometimes it just hurts to put an effort into my relations. I love my life and friends and family. I've also come to cherish my time with my family a lot more than I ever did before.

Something stupid though, inherently stupid, I have panic attacks if my family doesn't answer my phone call. It probably seems completely pathetic if you have never lost someone really close to you. But anyway this is my story for the day it's been on my mind lately.

Fact.

So this last month has been to say the least crazy. I have had such a great time at work lately that those certain people I really really really dislike mean nothing. Although it is fun to joke about them because they have no idea...

I've noticed I've become a different person since the new year. I'm not as nice to people to their face and its not that I'm super mean but I just tell what I see and usually it's because they are being stupid. People are noticing. I don't know if its a good thing but its a factual statement.

I graduate with my associates in three weeks, May 3rd.. YES! I have worked so hard for this and I'm walking! Two of my great friends are getting married in May and I'm so excited for them! Brianna and Brooke are awesome people and I know they will be happy for many years to come!

Student sale starting on Tuesday! A Day To Remember on Tuesday Final Part Duce due on Tuesday, Final on Wednesday, Last wet clay day on Thursday. Can you say crazy? Oh and 25 hours of work.

This is just a glimpse okay. But seriously I have never been more excited in my life to start the classes I really care about and to get going in Accounting. Everything is falling into place and now all I need is the time to do all of it and fit in some xbox time also.

Life's More Meaningful

A little death makes life more meaningful.

Today I was listening to a song by +44 and I heard these lyrics and just thought to myself wow it's true. It's terrible to realize that I did not appreciate my family before everything happened over these past two years. I truthfully never even imagined in my wildest nightmares what actually happened. It seems like I talk about loss a lot and if you have never really lost someone you won't really understand why. I learned quickly that when I held it all in it created more damage within myself.

I just want to say that every relation I create is meaningful to me. Even if it is just a wave I would notice if it wasn't there.

I have never been more happy in my life. Heartbroken but happy. I have many questions I need to start answering because sometimes I just don't know and I'm a happy ignorant crazy person. Truthfully I love my life and I'm happy. I just hope that people realize that memories are irreplaceable and I know I missed out on so many experiences and I have come to terms with that.