Sucker for Lovers.

I truly know i have the person I want to be with. Not gonna lie he is amazing. I'm not just gonna post a full blog completely about him even though thats the title.

So when I think through the times I've had in my life I know I don't think of a lot of them because of the people that were in them. It's tough knowing things have to change when they shouldn't have to, but you know they need to.

People throw the L word around too easily these days. Not to say I am not an abuser of it either. I have found that when I mean something is when I act upon the subject. Not when I just say it.  I think that goes for everything in my life lately since I've lost my mother. and here I go crying again.

I know I have kind of become a hermit living at ceramics and my house except when I work. I want my friends to know that I'm still trying. Yeah we only ever hang out at night, and that is when everything is harder for me. I'm sorry I haven't been around much but thats the hard part about everything at night I either have to be alone or I can't be alone and that probably makes less sense than most of my blogs but I just mean the second that sun sets my mind starts racing about all the things I didn't get to say or do when my mom was here. I don't expect anyone to really understand either.

To end today, I am using my very unoriginal favorite quote,

"In times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

-George Orwell 

McCarran

So, here I am sitting at McCarran International. Excited and very scared..my tummy doesn't like it. 

First off long day. I decided to go to the Warped Tour in Las Vegas, bad idea. Horrible. I hated it and left before I even got to see A Day To Remember. There was no way I could have stayed I'm such a princess now days. It's sad. Reason for the airport, going to see CJ!!! I'm excited for that I haven't seen him in over 2 months, yeah screw that. I think this is going to be the longest night, but well worth it! Tomorrow is going to be amazing! 

TaDa I took a shower in a trucker stop today, that was cool, not gonna lie. Nicer than I thought it was going to be forsure. It cost me 10 dollars though that kinda stunk, but now I don't.

I miss my friends already! ): I never got to hang out with the Lin's crew before I left dangit.

Thought of the day, actually its on my shirt but it says "If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." - Enter Shikari. Love it. 

I noticed that when I haven't made a strong decision before the choice comes, i end up choosing the wrong one more often. Keep the promises you make and believe the promises that have been made to you, even if you shouldn't. I know whoever it is there is no type of relationship without that trust. So believe me when I say, stay closer than you want to be to the people who mean the most to you. love them with all your heart.

Time.

I know that with every step I take I forge my path. Though I know not wether it is the right direction, I will always end up where I am supposed to be. Time is on my side. Nothing will ever be the same, but some things will change for the better. My mistakes are what make the changes in my life.


I miss my Mother. Simply I haven't figured out what to do without her. I miss my boyfriend, and I know lately we haven't had the greatest relationship, but i seemed to blame him for everything hurting worse. I know it isn't his fault that he is 2,000 miles away when something like this had to happen, it just seemed easier to blame someone for nothing getting better. I love him though I know he wanted to be here, and I know it wasn't fair to him that i took my hurt and anger out on him. I feel horrible about it and i know i need to truly apologize to him for it.


My best friend, I love you Compy. You  are awesome, I think that I really take people for granted, you as my main example. I'm sorry for that and i am truly thankful for the companionship and care you have shown me in this time.


So i just felt the need to randomly vent about this, it's just something that i have been thinking about lately..and i know that I don't exactly need to tell the whole world but maybe you will understand more because of this..I seem to torture myself with things like this and that is why I have typed this.

Well Angels Landing

Best day since, well since May 22. I love my friends. So Joshua wanted to leave at 10 am not too early, but he was so anxious it made me laugh. It was Kali, Josh, Ben, Austin (BFF) and me who went. We actually left at like 12 so we didn't get to Zions until 1ish. It was a good ride there and I'm glad i went, anyway we hiked Angels Landing, and technically I got to the top, I just stopped when it turns into the chains you hold on to not to fall off the 1400 foot drop. If you know anything about me, you know I'm terribly afraid of heights. But this was awesome. Josh took over 500 pictures and Kali and I about died it was super fun though. So pretty and it was a great day to go. Though, now I have a major sunburn and it hurts really bad. hehe (: day before I was like "oh i don't sunburn" hah yeah...I want to do this more often.

The Lost and Inconceivable

When I perceive things now, I think of what it will be not what it is. By controlling my decisions in life I know that my choices have brought me to this fork in the road. The present is truly my gift, from the memories that surround me. The hope that things would change is now my desire that they didn't. Writing for the first time, not numb to all surroundings. Jumbled thoughts and too many words won't leave me be.


The dreams are nightmares,
creeping through my waking thoughts.
Leaving the doors open,
or locking them tight.


The glances and emotions displayed,
thoughts and words spill from my mind.
No replacements.
Numbers, letters, jumbled as a junk yard.


Increasing in risk,
yet the same outcome is promised.
The desire and hope vacant.
Disconnect, inconceivable hurt
The cause is unknown to you.


Stinging, splintering disgust,
Distrust, no hope.
Thoughtless emotions fill me.
The desire is there, the hope is gone.


Whoa there, kinda hope not too many people read this, or pick out the true topic of what this is written about. Interesting things come to my mind at two in the morning. Any who, this is my mind take it or leave it. I know I'm messed up as of late, I have reason enough.

The Numbness.

The wind is shaking,
Moving the world around me but all is still.
There are signs of change,
Pointing different directions than i wanted.


It's cold,
Yet the tears are like fire, burning my skin.
My world is black,
It has come crashing and won't quit falling.


What I lived for,
What I hoped for,
Where has it gone?


I am helpless,
Time lost without even knowing,
Regrets fill my soul.


A piece of the puzzle is missing,
She will never be replaced.
Cherish the moments,
I know I didn't.


Is this real?
Why no warning?


Her love is beautiful,
It surrounds what i will work towards.
There is no greater meaning of life.
Precious memories are mine,
safe to keep.

Someone Tell Me I'm Wrong

I am a confused child..and i have much to say about nothing. My best friend, Compy, (Zachary Doty) love this guy, great subject. Seriously if it wasn't for him i would be a troubled girl haha. Since CJ left he has been the only one that can really make me laugh about anything. I can't imagine having it any other way. CJ actually trusts him too. So the last couple weeks seemed to go from all time low to fixed in the time it takes to send a few texts. Without the things I've learned about myself and life this past year i would be lost. I know that no one will ever pull me away from my friends again, the few that i have. Through the hurt and love that life's rollar coaster sends us on i know that the people that have come and gone have taught me a few things, and the people that are still here, are the ones that make me realize what life is really living for. The ones I love are the people that really matter to me and I know that they will always come before anything else.