Waves of Goodbye

We could reignite like fireflies
like an atom bomb at all hours

Sometimes I just think that in the end this will happen with those people that are supposed to be friends have a relationship or even just become acquaintances (by the way had to look up how to spell that word I feel smart.)

Everything happens for a reason and truthfully even if the reason sucks in the end it was supposed to be.

I just hope with all my heart that some day I will have the chance to see my mom again because truthfully if the world were to end I know I could never reach the height that she did in heaven. Someday it will happen I am going to make it happen.

Miss you mom.

Doors.

So the door is closed, it still might hurt when I see his family because they were mine too but I am better off without him.

This was a good experience because I learned more about who I really am and what I like and dislike about myself and others. I want to say this because I think that some people believe that I am unhappy about it because the situation was shitty. But hey not all situations are good.

All I'm getting at is it's a positive ending.

I’m a mess

That's the best way to describe it

Having no time to myself is the only way I can fight it

When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror

Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer

I miss your family and I miss all our friends

If you had it to do over would you do it over again,

Cause I would, this meant something more to me

There's a hole in my heart where you used to be

This is how I have felt for the past two months and seriously I'm done feeling bad about myself and for myself just because I'm better than this ending.

I want to start a new beginning with my friends and family. A new adventure. Maybe find myself in church because I never did, partly leading to the situation I am in now. Maybe do a study abroad program or move to a different part of the country, I truly have no idea but I'm excited to figure out this stuff!

I know more about myself that anyone would begin to fathom, it's a weird thing that I always have. I changed over the past two years with my mom dying and the way people treated me after that (not that it was bad, just awkward). I love the people that know my mom and loved her they are all a support. They understand how great of a woman she was. But I made myself stay away from people because it just hurt so much for the longest time to even be happy without her. Even now there are people that are new friends and they all effect me in a good way and I'm glad to of met them. I don't think I can explain how I feel towards the people who are just nice to me and make me smile on a daily basis. I didn't deal with my emotions for a long time after my mom was gone and seriously now its like water works once a week, especially at work for some odd reason. But I am understanding the extent of how much it truly changed my life and my character.

I know that I love accounting so far, but art is my true passion and I will never fulfill that because it is not realistic. I mean I love it, I can just do anything concerning art for hours and hours, but to me I don't think I would be happy trying to struggle to become a known artist never knowing if it will ever work. I have realized I would rather have the money to do my passions in art than struggle to keep that passion in my life and accounting is how it will get done.

Sorry there are so many I's in this post but tonight was just one of those times when the light bulb got flipped on, instead of the dimmers slowly turning up.

Decisions,

Do I save money for a brand new car or do I save money to go to Europe, well that is the question. and that is the end of my post haha.

AVA

So I don't know if I have ever explained where I got the title of my blog from..

The reason I started this blog at first was because I always have a way to access this, through phone or computer 24/7. The name of the blog was because of the CD Love by Angels & Airwaves. You here people say oh that band changed my life blah blah blah, but truly this cd and lyrics have changed me for the better, well all their cd's have.

Tom Delonge is the reason I want to learn about anything and everything. The lyrics and the meaning of Start the Machine (DVD) gave me what I needed for my attitude toward college. Not to mention if I lose control of my emotions I just pull up any song from this band and listen to the pure genius of wonderful musicians. Sometimes I wish that I thought I could succeed in the industry but then I remember that not many actually do. Some people don't even give this band a chance because they are out of the norm but they really should it's nothing like Blink.

Over the past two years every song from these guys have meant something in a time when I thought there was no purpose for me to be here but then I think everyone has a purpose, I just haven't discovered mine yet, or realized it.

I sometimes literally laugh at the meaning I can get out of these lyrics because I am usually thinking that everything sucks when I listen to them, and then I hear something like I'm running from the truth cause it fucks with my mind and I think oh man that's exactly what I do and it never works. It's insane how this stuff realtes to me in certain times of my life, well most times. Sometimes I'm just sitting in the car and I start crying because something means so much to me and reminds me of my mom.

Sometimes I just am happy from the music because it makes me think of the people that are always there for me. You know my friendships are different than most, I believe that anyway, I hope for that because I want those people to believe I care, because I really do care, probably more than anyone can ever imagine or begin to believe. It's kinda funny that we all make mistakes and people should have a lifeline for those mistakes they make, I believe in second chances, sometimes many more than seconds, and sometimes it should only be one, but I like to believe in the good that the person has shown in the past rather than the mistakes. I think that is where I am the most misunderstood because truthfully some people have treated me like shit, you know actually worse than that, but I seem to always give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's all weird I know but it's the truth. Some people believe I'm to generous and nice to others that may or may not take advantage of my kindness, but it's how I am because of the theme of love. We have this life to show what we are truly made of and I want to be a good person.

Do what you like and do it honestly,
and here we go life's waiting to begin.

It's a good ending to another beginning.

Happenings.

So as I keep thinking to myself what happened, I realize that life happened.

School is what is happening and work. These things are freaking time consuming. Some of my favorite people in the whole world are the ones I work with or met from work. So this is my tribute to them love you Lin's family!

I think that I'm growing up now. My dad and Kylah (my niece) are the two people that keep me going and so happy. I seem to forget how important my family is to me and then something happens that makes me realize again that I don't know where I would be without them.

As one story ends another begins and it always seems to come with loss over the past 2 years I have lost three important people to me and now a fourth is leaving to a better place. I don't think that anything will ever lighten this load but I think that it will be easier to bare the burden as time goes on.

Life As We Know It.

So here it goes. Life changes as quickly as a blink of an eye. I lost every thing I knew this past weekend and truthfully the last few days were horrible, but last night I was reading and thinking to myself, (some people told me this) life moves on and if you don't move with it, you will be left behind. I think that I was going to be left behind this last week, well I am behind in homework and school but that can be caught up, what I am trying to say is that I now realize that things happen for a reason even if I never know the reason, I know that to move forward from it is the best answer.

It's never easy to lose your best friend but sometimes they weren't supposed to be your best friend in the first place. I realize now after talking to CJ that I was never number one and truthfully that is not the type of relationship I want to be in again. I love him with all my heart but he is right it will never work because we want different things.

I feel like I was the problem at times but then I remember it wasn't me it just wasn't how it was meant to be. It still hurts but now I know in time I will be ok with it. as people talk about their ex boyfriends or girlfriends it seems that most are hostile but I don't have a reason to be and I think that is why it hurts that he won't talk to me at all. I understand why not though.

By looking at this as a good thing it makes it easier, I wish easy enough but of course not. It was two years of my life that was happiness with CJ. Of course it will be hard I know that. It is sad that it has changed so much but in the end it will work out or it's not the end. I think that I may be a little lost for a while but I will find my way again and I think that this is a good quote to end on and I am going to try and spread my light through both ways.

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton

Rainmaker

Worest day in a really long time. I cannot deal with my grandma when all I do is wrong I am done my dog digs and there was a hole she said we didn't need to fill because of the construction. Now her house was flooding this morning and she freaked out like most people would. But then she. Blamed it on me and cj when it's no ones real fault, I'm just so sick of being blamed for something that is out of my hand. Right now I hate the rain. End of story happy day.

Things.

I don't like when people become an irreplaceable part in my life and they take me for granted. It feels like a thousand little needles poking out of your eye, or losing weight and someone asking if you are pregnant. (never happened just the thought lol) That is how I tend to feel when people begin to use me and don't even realize it. I have a hard time with it because it is usually someone I love and I usually don't know what to do other than remove them kindly from my life, but in this case I think I would rather die.

Thoughts.

Sometimes I would just rather sit at home and do nothing rather than hear things that hurt my feelings. Without realizing people seem to stab me in the eye and keep talking like it doesn't matter. Lately I have just wanted to figure out where I want to be and pick everything up and go there. I'm sick of the feeling I get when I come into my house and there are people, but it's empty now. I love the place I grew up in but it will never be the same. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I know I should about things that are important in my life and it is starting to reflect the way I act around everyone.

Just a Cup of Tea

Sick, made myself so upset that I think my dinner may come up.

I know great way to start out.

Supposedly going to vegas tomorrow, don't know at the moment, if my food stays down. But i started my summer school accounting class today, it starts at 7 am. Yep not the greatest idea in the world but I've decided this is going to be the best grade I've ever gotten, or the best of my abilities.. haha I really like this accounting stuff and I've noticed that when I like something I excel at it easier.

well that's my much needed update from my world, if anyone still keeps up it's been a long time.

1984

"In universal times of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." -- George Orwell

When I don't know what to do, I tend to turn to this quote. Even if my problem as nothing to do with it as in missing my mother or stress from school, I think what can be worse? When people lie to me I have a hard time trusting them ever again. On the rare occasion that I fall in love I have a hard time not trusting that person, especially CJ. I love him with all my heart.

The point is that this world is filled with lies and when you find something so pure as love embrace it for all it is worth and make sure that the person you love knows it. Every chance you get, tell them.

Life.

All I want is to be happy, but guess what, I'm not sure where to go from here. Yesterday was probably the worst day in a while i somehow failed my psychology test after the fact that I studied for over 4 hours..yeah good story. I'm sort of at a loss now and it is a little discouraging to work so hard for something and truthfully I wish I could just give up. Although I know I can't do that. Thinking this over makes me wonder what I really want to do anymore. It's like I can excel in all the degree specific classes but I can't do anything in the general classes right. I'm just a little lost and don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure that the situation I'm in is good or not or if I will be happy in the end. I just want things to be stable in life, and it seems I can't figure out what makes me feel that way.

It's About Time.

When I am alone all day I get to think a lot. Every Monday it seems that I go through this little battle in my head of what I need to do and what I need to change in my life. Sometimes I end up loosing the fight and have some anxiety by the end of the night and other times, like today I get my head straight. I am trying to focus more on school and it's working lately. As the semester is quickly going by, the tests are getting harder, but the studying is easier.

 I Miss my cousin Sierra and my brother Zachary Grant. Those two people have helped make me the person I am today and I never get to see them anymore. I wish they were here at dixie. It seems that we are all growing up so quickly that we can't create those memories of riding in the car with too many people and blasting the music so loud that no one can hear when we get out anymore. I miss those days and those people.

Yesterday was a great day, CJ and I went to Gunlock and played in the river for a couple of hours with the puppy. It was super fun I learned how to skip rocks better (This is CJ's rock) and all in all everything was awesome there. It was CJ's birthday this week! Happy 20th! He seems to think he is getting old. But guess what, I'm 20 this year too. I don't mind it I like having the responsibility...sometimes. Sometimes it's a little more stressful than I care for, but I realize it's part of growing up.

When I think of spending time with my boyfriend it makes me all giddy still, yes, I'm still that girl that talks about him like we're in high school. But more seriously he can help me through anything and lately he has really proved that. With my high anxiety and mood swings of late he has been there through it all. I would seriously like to thank him and the other people who have helped me through the past year and a half. It means a lot to me, you know who you are, Lins family. 

Hugs and Kisses. Miss you Mommy

Liana Dawn Gardella.

"The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"

It seems I can write about anything but the school work I am assigned.

I think that the situation has gotten worse since I started my second semester and I'm also sick and not getting better. It's like every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel it starts to fade again.

Maybe if he acted like he was proud of me I just might believe in myself. Maybe if he didn't act like everything I do isn't good enough I would be happy with what I'm doing, but truthfully it makes me want to do just the opposite of what my dad thinks I need to be studying, and for more truth, Ceramics is what I  am and will always be interested in, even if it gets me no where in life, it makes me happy.

How are you supposed to be happy when the one person you hope to make proud will never be proud? It's that void where you can't control what is missing but it will never come back. This would be why I have such a hard time with my mom being gone at times, like today. She always went out of her way to tell me she that I was doing good, and it will never be the same if anyone else tries to tell me how proud they are, simply it helps, except it isn't from the person I am trying so hard for, but will never be good enough.

Well maybe it isn't true, but that's how I feel. If there are so many people who say he's proud of me, why  can't he say one good thing to me himself? Why is it all I hear is, "You need to get rid of those pots they take up too much room" or "Why didn't you get a better grade than that?"

Anyway, great day as you can tell I just got pushed over the edge again. I had to put it somewhere and I don't think too many people read this regularly if I don't post it on Facebook.

Timeless

A simple response, in time, in time it will get better, in time it will be different. This time has done nothing but hurt. people tell me they are there for me and truthfully I'm glad. But when it comes to the one I am want to talk to I know that it is hopeless. Tonight has made it more clear than any other that what I want in certain relationships will never work, and not because of me. Truthfully it hurts to think about it sitting here typing this, I know that what I have been trying so hard to create is nothing on the other side and it just plain kills me inside.

December seems to be that month this year that basically nothing went right but nothing went wrong at the same time. My worst fear is here it surrounds me daily and it will never go away. I am missing the one person in my life I could talk to, my mom. Before everything happened and before she was so sick I didn't talk to her, I wasn't close to her. I beat myself up for that I can promise you that. If there is anything people get out of my blog is that your parents, adopted, birth, foster, whatever they are to you, they are irreplaceable. They love you unconditionally, let them be your friend, talk to them, laugh, enjoy their company, you never know when you won't have them to laugh with about how your dogs are trouble makers and look out for each other by letting the gimpy one out of the laundry room in the middle of the night anymore. I don't think that anyone will quite understand what I am trying to say until it happens no matter the age. Maybe I just didn't have the chance to grow up and like my parents before it all happened. Just get over it though before it's too late.

I, I will not surrender.
No I, I will not surrender

It seems that no matter the situation I've found some lyric or song that has made me realize it will never be the end because I want it to be, it's not up to me.

School is starting for me on Tuesday again, college, what more can I say about that, I didn't do great my first semester but I only have to retake one class, Math 1100 Business Calculus. It was a little interesting because the grades I got weren't awesome. But my dad, he said he understood. He's been through it. His mom died when he was 19 he failed classes, so I did better than he thought I would. You know, he has been the greatest dad I could ever ask for. I might not always agree with him or get along with him but he is always there even if I mess up.I love him.

Need i say anything about my wonderful boyfriend. Yeah we go through hard times, rough patches and confusion but he has always been there. Maybe not in the way everyone expected him to be but in a way that I needed him to be. I needed someone to be normal around me and he was, and is. I thank him for that too. I'm not sure what i would have done, because it seemed that I was alone, no one knew what to say or how to talk to me.

I feel like this post seems like I am giving up, but in contrary I have realized yet again that there are people that will always be there, many I have not mentioned, but if you are reading this far down, you are one of them and know who you are haha. I am ready to start this new semester and new year, for the better. I have the desire to change the way I think when I lose all hope and I know that I can. People aren't here for nothing, every person I've been in contact with or met in my life are there for a purpose, though I may never know what it is, I know that they have helped me grow or learn something that has helped me get to where I am now.