Sister

Sometimes I miss my sister, if you know us at all, you know, the way she used to be...when she was still happy and functioning. Sometimes it's like a piece of me is missing because I always thought I would be able to have her to talk about how I feel and how my life has changed. I sit here crying thinking about what happened and why. I don't blame anyone but her and her decisions, but I have also had a lot of sad feelings lately thinking about her and how I could help her. If I could help her...

I hope one day she will see this and be okay and think, I hurt a lot of people without knowing and make that the reason she is better, and stays better.

Sometimes I say some really cold hearted things about her, but it's really just me trying to mask the hurt I feel from her betraying our family me, and Kylah mostly, with her addictions and lies. I have always looked up to her except as of recent. I see it every day in my little niece Kylah the mannerisms and attitude she has obviously inherited from Gina. Those things remind me of when I had a real sister, not the skeleton she is now. Sometimes I wish I didn't see those things in Kylah because it scares me to death, what she will be when she is older. Sometimes I welcome the memories of when I was little and all of the good times we had.

It's been since my wedding that I saw her last, again the same skeleton I refer to above, I just wish that she was still in there, the person that cared so much for everyone and everything she did, not this mindless addict that has taken my sister.

I've felt the need to write these feelings for a long time...

2 Nephi Chapter 2

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

27 Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

This is really quite random, honestly I am not a very religious person, but this right here, people take responsibility for your actions, you know right from wrong, it is your own choice, good or evil, you acted of your own free will.

Today this is a problem. Younger people will blame anyone but themselves for their own actions. Yeah I'm pretty young myself, but I was raised in a house where we were punished for what we did, not what others did, we were actually punished. I do not mean too harshly, but enough to get the point across that it was from our own actions that we received our own outcome.

I just feel like society (social media, young activist (for anything)) is trying to create this mainstream that is almost like this "Fashion Forward" statement "for the good of all people agenda" no matter what they do/believe/feel, right or wrong. (oh yeah yeah, this is my opinion, it's how I feel, your no different from me, you think freely, believe....blah blah blah.) It's almost like social Anarchy, they disagree to create a disagreement, for the fun of it, even if they do not have a fully formed opinion and it's annoying as all hell! 

I'm also not saying I know a ton about my own opinions, but I know enough to feel confident believing what I believe in. 

In my belief system there has to be a reason for anything to happen, (the way I feel, don't feel, how I act, acted upon me, etc) who knows the reason, well, anything that comes from me, I should know why I am thinking what I am thinking I control my own thoughts, and if you don't, you should be at the Dr. not reading this..those people, events, etc. that act upon you, you do not know why, what they were thinking, what the outcome would be, why the outcome is what it is, and you may never know...

Food for thought.

Oh yeah I got married

Mrs. Bishop

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The LOTR never seems to disappoint with a new favorite quote each time I watch it, "His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem." We all walk different paths and we know nothing of where each other has been or is going, keep this in mind when you try criticize another for their beliefs and actions.

So lately this has been bugging me, and I am no saint when it comes to criticizing others. But it has been on my mind a lot and I have been determined to defend others, I may not agree with them, but I will defend them. I have had a few people in my life seem to think that their sense of duty is greater than everyone else, in any walk of life no one person is better than the next, and no one persons' thoughts are better than the next, just because you may believe so strongly doesn't mean others have to believe the same thing as you. You may be wondering, what side of the story is she talking about, anyone and everyone who believe so strongly that others are wrong in what the believe.

This annoys me to no end, if you want others to believe in what you believe in, because you think it is right, do not force this upon them. It will not work in the correct way, I can promise you that.

Life is too short to concern yourselves with others happiness, enjoy your time here, because,

"Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."

This quote has been a staple in my life for a long time, because we have the power to decide what to do and when to do it, but I believe that we are meant to do things, and our decisions are meant to happen when they do, I believe their is a hand in our decisions and lives helping us keeping us safe.

I struggled for a long time with this next one,

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life.

You can imagine why...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not as mad as I should be, why I don't feel the anger that others do. I have noticed I changed, that was my way with coping, I was never an open person, way back when, that was why I started this blog. To help myself, my thoughts, emotions. I admit my act has gotten better.

I have never actually read the books, but I have taken the summer off of school to catch up on more important things in life, a great friend reminds me often, do not let your education get in the way of your life.

It's My Opinion.

So this is going to hurt some people, maybe help, and most definitely anger most who read this. So be prepared..

So back in July my sister moved from Salt Lake to my house, after 6 months of rehab for alcohol.. Just stop reading now if this is already too much info about my life. My father told me that it would be just a few days of her living at my house..here we are in November...

Background information:

So first off not too toot my own horn, but I am pretty successful in college, getting my degree in accounting this semester (a semester early not to mention), as a lot of you know, and I will be attending SUU for my Macc and MBA in the spring.

WHO THE HELL THINKS I CAN LIVE WITH A DRUNK 25 ALMOST 26 YEAR OLD SISTER AND DO A DUAL MASTERS PROGRAM FULLY ONLINE!?!?!?!

NOT I!!

Okay so you know the problem,

Solution:
Moving on and out with my life.

New Problem:
Money and time for a full time job.

So here is my great dilemma.

When I think about all of the decisions that have been made leading up to this point after 5 months of dealing with the bull shit, stolen money, a lock and key for my room, arguments with my father  and no one giving two shits about what I am feeling, I have a major problem on my hands.

So this may seem harsh, but it's really not. I need to feel safe where I live, and this isn't cutting it anymore, tonight I called my Grandpa bawling my eyes out asking if I could come talk to him tomorrow. I have no idea what solution I think that the has, but he is my Grandpa, and over the past few years I have come to realize that he is the smartest, kindest and fair person I will ever have the privilege of knowing.

So the real reason for this, quite random non-informative post is that this makes me think, what would my mother say to all of this. How would she react to a child feeling neglected, and hurt, and another not understanding why her own mother can't stand to take care of her for more than an hour, or why there is one causing a hard life for herself with arrests?

Honestly I have no idea how she would react, other than to feel the pain we all feel. In this sense my mother was such a Christ like person, she felt the pain of others and wanted to help all she could. I wish I could be more like her in this way, but sometimes I think people are beyond help, and they think they don't actually need help.

The term "kill them with kindness" doesn't work with people that feel no emotion. That do not care what their own life is like, drug addicts.

Since July my entire life has changed, Maslow's hierarchy of needs explains what I mean by that. My first problem comes with safety, I have to have a lock on my door because a dollar was stolen out of my room, the monetary value means nothing to me in this situation. Four years ago I lost the most wonderful lady to ever walk this planet, my Granny, when I first started working at Lin's on Saturdays she would give me a dollar for lunch her famous Dorothy Dog. Well I had saved one of those dollars, and now it's gone. The idea that I have to lock my room with a key kills me inside, because I should be able to feel safe in my own home, which leads me into another issue.

Love/Belonging. When your own father says THIS IS MY HOUSE, NOT YOURS, I LET YOU LIVE HERE, SHE CAN BE HERE WHENEVER SHE WANTS, your sense of belonging tends to disappear quite rapidly. According to my father, I've blown  this out of proportion, I'll let you be the judge. Another reason why I don't feel how I should within my own family, not to mention no one else believes she should be living here...



Can I just mention one person in my life that is my rock. My wonderful Mikey, without him I would have already stopped talking to my father, sister, and lost my niece because of it. I don't know anyone that can put up with all the crap he does, and I am so lucky to have him supporting me through all of the hurt, tears and failures I have had this past year. He understands what I am talking about when I say that this isn't fair to me, Kylah or anyone else in this family. Without him I would have already gone crazy.

insomnia

I've never in my life been able to say that my best friend is my boyfriend until now. I also never thought that I would have someone in my life that made everything perfect. It's been 8 months since Mikey and I started dating and I've never had so much fun in my entire life. Every day I get to laugh because of him and smile uncontrollably. Having him by my side makes me feel like I can do anything. I really hope that I can always have this feeling in my life. I never really thought people were telling the truth when they said their best friend was their significant other till now. It's weird to think that I could be more happy now than ever because I have a lot to be unhappy about, but it seems like when you find the right person everything starts to fall into place. When Mikey and I first started dating he used to tell me I smiled a lot more than when we first met and I used to think he was just saying that because he didn't know me I smiled a lot and now I realize that every second I'm with him I am happy no matter what I can smile because of him all day every day. I just think it's a good feeling and I don't know where I would be now without it or him.

It's Been A While.

Life can change so drastically and so wonderfully within such a short amount of time.

Last semester I did not do so well in my classes but I passed, that's not saying much, for myself. I was planning on graduating a semester earlier than my projected class mates were..but I am debating on retaking those classes for a better grade, and taking more art classes, of course my true love. So it would be Spring 2015 instead of Fall 2014. This will also give me time to think about where I want to go to college. I am having a debate within my head daily of where I want to go and what schools I can actually get into with my current GPA vs. my GPA if I retook those classes and it seems that if I retake those classes I can have a better chance of getting into some better more focused schools. I am still planning on forensic accounting.

This is turning into an update.

So as I'm sitting here with my sbux and bagel listening to this weird techno background music from a different art class I'm wondering, what school do I want to go to. I don't want to leave Saint George but I know I will have to for the two semesters. Side note, as I'm writing this the song home comes on, which is really why I don't want to leave Saint George, if you have heard the song you will get it. But what school I really want to go to is Utah State and of course its 6 hours away in the freezing cold. Utah is my second choice and  I am going to apply to both I am also going to look into UNLV. I really just don't want to be far away.

I know the first rule of life is to never let someone or something stand in the way or change your mind about your own future, but I don't feel like it is the right choice to move away anymore. There are multiple reasons including little miss Kylah Marie my wonderful niece.

There's this book I'm reading for Marketing class and it has this proverbs at the beginning of every chapter and the first one is my favorite so far and really makes sense to my situation right now.

"You never miss the water until the well has run dry." - Irish Proverb

I feel like my well isn't dry but it's starting to run out in Saint George pertaining to my education. I can only go so far here.

30ish Things That Are On My Mind.

1. I will tell you the truth about myself if I think you deserve it.

2. DON'T lie to me and let me find out.

3. I respect everyone until they do not respect me.

4. I trust NO ONE until they give me a reason to.

5. You will NEVER know everything about me.

6. Don't expect me to openly tell you things, you have to ask.

7. I'm thinking it for a reason.

8. Motivation is the only reason I'm still in school.

9. I want to have that car everyone stops and looks at, hence the motivation.

10. Art is my passion.

11. I write because I can't express my feelings otherwise.

12. I hate people who are pessimistic little bitches.

13. I still complain.

14. I use the word I too much.

15. Other people's happiness is what I live for.

16. I miss my Mother 24/7 if you can't deal with it get out of my life. Now.

17. I think I'm a bitch. Which in truth, I am to some.

18. I couldn't care less about what you think, other than my car.

19. I use clothing and shoes as my release for all the frustrations of life.

20. I believe in God.

21. I struggle with the idea of forever.

22. Fake people, need I say more.

23. I love Saint George, but have issues with memories here.

24. Music changes my mood easily.

25. I make choices that are stupid.

26. If you don't let me do what I want i.e. choices, you won't be in my life for long.

27. You cannot force me to do anything, even if you think you did.

28. I can be influenced.

29. Xbox helps.

30. I'm a happy person, despite the looks of this list.

31. I wish I trusted easier.

32. I like to believe I read people easily.

33. People I care about see my emotions, unedited.